When Domestic Violence Is A Way of Life

Writer Chic By Writer Chic, 14th May 2013 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Family>Domestic Violence & Abuse

What happens in a family when domestic violence is a way of life?

Is this what love is supposed to be like?

What in the world could they be thinking? Is that what they consider love when all they do is fuss and fight?

You may have witnessed a couple who engages in the winding circle of domestic violence. You may not understand what keeps such couples together amongst all of the "turbulence" between them. You may even be a part of a family where this occurs.

What is life like in a household where there is constant bickering, pushing, shoving, crying and a full range of seemingly uncontrollable emotional issues?. Not just amongst the couple alone, but perhaps the children and other family members who have witnessed these occurrences? - What causes a household to operate this way? - Is there help and resources available? - Will someone make the choice to end the violence? -

I'd be happy to tell you my story and share a resource with you, in the event that you or someone you know is in a relationship that could be dangerous. I pray that it will be motivating enough for you to make some positive choices and take action.

My story:

As a young mother who married at the age of 19, the beginning of my married life began turbulent with my then 23 year old husband, whom I'd married just four short months after meeting him. His uncle was my life insurance man and because I had become pregnant in such a short time after meeting him, it seemed like the right thing to do. (Especially, because I had three living children when I met him and had just had a miscarriage). Therefore, it was about time that I got married right? - Yes, So I thought.

Upon meeting him, I determined right away that he was extremely handsome, he stood approximately 5ft 10 inches tall, he had the most beautiful white teeth you could ever imagine and a body that was also very intriguing. He was strong and "built" as they say. Not only was he attractive to me, but he was also very funny.

I found that being funny was an "extra bonus" because I really enjoyed laughing.
A handsome new gentleman in my life. I thought to myself; "Would this be the ideal marriage that I'd thought about as a young lady? Would this be my "Prince Charming?" What was now in store for me, being that I was "young, with a house full of children and now married?" - Could he possibly be the one? - I did not know what to look for in a man.

I'd always thought I was grown coming up and no one could really "tell me anything", I'd help raise my three siblings (as the oldest of four) while we lived with our grandparents.

Both of my parents were sort of doing their own thing. My dad had remarried and my mom remarried several times. I was eight years old when I think back. Primarily being the mom and caretaker for everyone. Not realizing that I would be taking on a role that would somehow make me "Co-dependent" - Attempting to "control" the outcomes of everyone around me.(In order to assure that everyone was taken care of) except me.

As a first born child, I took on the responsibility of attempting to fix things that were out of place. However, I was not being taken care of in a way in which I thought a young girl should have been; whereby NOT being affirmed by either of her parents. No one was there to really "guide me" along in the growing process, for my grand parents were quite old. Television and fairy tales were my "teachers" and I thought that I had a really good understanding of how life works. "Get married, have children and live happily ever after" - I thought for sure, that it looked easy enough. Especially since I was doing the "parenting thing" for my younger sisters. (and later younger brother)

So when this handsome "prince" came along, I figured that the next "role" that I should play was to start helping to take care of him. Especially after I learned that he had come from an abusive household. (His father abused his mom.)

I didn't know a whole lot about him and his family prior to us getting married. I knew nothing about what he valued, how his temper was, nor what his primary life was at home while growing up. I had no idea that he was "secretly angry". I also was not aware that he had been married shortly for a time and had another girlfriend in whom he also abused. Leaving him ultimately single and moving on to his next "victim"

Shortly after we married, the arguments started. We argued about everything. He was an alcoholic. His jealous rages caused him to pick fights that were about some of the craziest things. On a daily basis we fought about me wearing make up, we fought about me going to the store. What the dinner would be that evening, whether I should be a full time mom, or allow him to work two jobs; (so no one would look at me.)

My life had become a living hell. There would be times when I would be hit so hard that I would see stars. (Just like on Cartoons) - I never knew if I had a concussion, because I had never sought medical treatment. We simply continued to fight because that is what he knew best and I knew that I must be in a position to defend myself. No matter how crazy it seemed, I somehow thought that I could change him and wanted to remain in the marriage. Besides, all of my family resided in another state. Wasn't he supposed to "love and protect me?"

What about the children? - you may wonder, (who were toddlers and infants) who would witness these "war zones" between us? They'd be crying hysterically and dodging things that were being thrown around the house. Was this any way for them to live? - No, of course not. But he would convince me to stay, as he promised to change and the children were not being physically abused. However, even as young as I was, I knew that the environment for them was not good.


After the fights, (and he'd sober up) there would begin the crying and apologizing from him. I always knew that the reason why we fought, was because of his drinking and I assumed that as long as he was not drinking, he would be okay. I would then accept his apologies and move forward. UNTIL NEXT TIME. (They began again the next time he drank). It was a never ending circle of FIGHTING, APOLOGIZING & RECONCILIATION. - Until I could not take it any more.

I realized that although we were young, had children and were married, the amount of physical and emotional abuse were just too much and I could not live that way. I realized that my children were more important to me than to allow them to come up in that type of environment. I felt that I also deserved better. I had to make a choice.

I wanted to be happy. I also wanted to help him to learn that domestic violence was not the answer. Therefore, I left. I divorced him.

Only to start dating him again. I felt sorry for him, because I knew that there were deeper issues with him. I told him that I would even remarry him if he stopped the drinking and the violence against me, BECAUSE I HAD AN IDEA OF WHAT MARRIAGE AND FAMILY - "SHOULD BE" like. - And we eventually married (AGAIN)

Unfortunately, that wasn't enough. Seven months later, we were back where we started. The cycle continued. I divorced him again. Now, only ending up as friends. Never to be married to one another again.

In closing, and to answer the questions above. I will say that often times, we as humans have an idea of what love and marriage should be about and we stay, hoping it will be better and the person whom we're fighting will get help.

Sometimes the best help we can give, is in helping ourselves (and the children)
if you or someone you know, needs help. Visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
http://www.thehotline.org/

http://www.thehotline.org/

I wish you and your family much love, peace and happiness.

"Writer Chick"

Tags

Domestic Abuse Story, Domestic Violence Must Stop, Lonely Heart, Love, Lovers, Relationship Issues, Religion And Spirituality, Romance

Meet the author

author avatar Writer Chic
If anyone has ever had a passion for writing it's me.

I'm Paula The "Writer Chic"

Communication is the currency that joins us all together. Re: Family, Single Life, Marriage, Community & More.

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Comments

author avatar rose leisure
14th May 2013 (#)

Thank you for sharing your story. It hit so close to home. You should read the poem "I got flowers today" by Paulette Kelly. It will really touch you.

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author avatar Writer Chic
14th May 2013 (#)

Thank you so very much rose leisure, for the recommendation of the poem "I got flowers today" by Paulette Kelly. I look forward to reading it.

"Writer Chic"

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author avatar Retired
14th May 2013 (#)

Very powerful. Keep up the work my friend, we need more writers like you. I'll continue to follow your writings as you do the same for me. Thanks

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author avatar Writer Chic
14th May 2013 (#)

Thank you very much DrEllis07.

I look forward to reading from you as well.

"Writer Chic"

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author avatar Connie McKinney
15th May 2013 (#)

My sister went through a terrible experience after unwittingly marrying an abuser similar to yours. I know what a difficult situation this can be. Thank you for having the courage to share your story. Keep on sharing it any way you can. This is a message that needs to get out there.

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author avatar Writer Chic
15th May 2013 (#)

Thank you Connie. indeed, transparency is the key to freedom. it gives others hope that the very God of Abraham, Isaac & Jacob is the SAME GOD, who saved and set me free and can do the same for them as well. HalleluYah

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