What really happens behind closed doors, my campaign page here on wikinut

Butterfly38 By Butterfly38, 14th Jul 2015 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Family>Daily Life

Following on from previous articles. I want to my abuse topics. This one is on domestic violence. It is wriiten from my personal experience as a survivor, and not from a professional opinion which can be biased sometimes. This page is written as a campaign on wikinut. I'd like police and other professionals to read it and understand more about what happens behind closed doors so more people can be helped.

My background.

Abusive after abusive relationships. It is a vicious cycle many people get caught in, it does not just affect those with mental illness, it can affect anyone. Sometimes it can be a simple fact of being very emotionally sensitive and falling for the wrong people. Let me be clear and dispell a myth, it can happen to men and women, it is a myth that only women are affected. Many men are too, and it can be harder for them to open up, because many people do not think women can be violent, but police records show there are many women who have been violent to men too.

I'm not really sure how my cycle started. I am a kind hearted person, who can love, respect, give and take. Sure there are times when I get stressed out and upset easily, and there have been times that due to never been listened to or believed I have literally crumbled to pieces.

It is a lonely life when your constantly feeling like you have to watch every word, every action and literally everything you do for fear of the consequences. I was shut in a corner, because everything I said, did or every action was used against me. When I did speak, I was accused of abuse and this is my story.

It starts behind closed doors

No matter what sex you are, abuse starts behind closed doors. Mine was always behind closed doors. Every hit, punch, name calling, put downs the list is endless. People in the street knew my abuser, he had a reputation for kindness and would help anyone. I was close to him, so I was an easy target too. It was hard to keep my own identity, everything got twisted, and everyone believed him. I lost many people who I thought were freinds, and many family members also. Sometimes, it can be scary, but when you get thrown into a corner, trembling and silenced with noone to turn to. It is lonely.

I lost myself

I lost myself, trying desperately to be the person my abuser wanted me to be. I became agreeable to the point where I was doing everything, to stop an attack. My coursework, writing and everything I wanted to achieve, I gave up on. I nearly gave up on wanting to become self employed, because money and unemployment were being used against me. I stopped going out, eating, sleeping, and some of the 'learned explosive patterns' I had picked up on, and unlearned, started again. I had regressed back into the 'borderline' stage, because I had tried to be too strong, and become someone else to 'make him love me.'

The truth is though, when you live with an abuser, you can't change him or make him love you. He will always be him, and he will only change if he wants to. Every bruise, mental scar or other abusive episode he had, I got the blame for, even when I reached for help. I was silenced for a long time

The cycle of agression and anger

People would say, 'be different with him, and he will treat you right.' It didn't work, it made things worse because he wanted his every demand met. I cleaned, cooked, constantly put him before my needs and I tried ignoring his 'stress' as he called it. The more I did, the more it came out on me.

I had episodes where I felt like I was going crazy. I tried many different ways of talking that I was taught in therapy, and I was mocked for that. It could be something simple, like giving him an idea on how to do something, he would disagree, become stressed and take it out on me. Eventually over time, I felt myself getting stuck in a cycle of never ending battles that often turned angry and agressive, and never ended.

Because I ended up being accused of abusing. I silenced myself, shut myself in my room until he went out to aviod an outburst of agression and anger, which just goes round and round, no matter what you do

People accused me of bruising myself

I got badly bruised in a beating by him once, and when I said what happened I got accused of doing it to myself. I had intervened to stop him from hurting another person, and I was cornered and pushed into the door, kicked and punched with my head pinned. I was traumatized as were my children. he got away with it after he claimed mental illness in a hospital. I am still very jumpy and traumatized to this day. If someone taps me on the shoulder I jump, slam a door I jump. Most loud noises and some touch makes me jump. That has had a severe impact on my intimate love life in ways I can never forgive him for. It also impacted hard on my husband, as the trauma would replay itself in real time, like having a constant video recorder inside your head, making you believe it was still happening, and that is where I learned therapy was needed, because it frightens you which in return makes you act in ways that frighten your partner and children without being aware of it

Calling for help

Calling for help is confusing. They hear you on the phone, you ask questions because your confused, you get told it is abuse. Then they hear the partners story and decide to listen to him, especially if he is a professional. This has happened to me so many times, I am nervous when I need to report abuse. I tend to push it deep inside me, to aviod talking about it. This also means, I end up suffering, because I can't ask for help

Im recovering using uk SMART recovery

What I went through had lead me to so many problematic learned behaviours. Gambling, self harming, overspending, overexercising, obsessing about my appearance and not knowing who I was before the trauma. I wanted to add a section here, just to say that uk SMART recovery is helping me deal with these, and so far I am doing a good job. Thanks to this wonderfully supportive organisation I am finding my self-esteem and confidence, and reahing my life goals. The road ahead to finding me is still a very long journey. However combined with the good online service, meetings, handbook and staff, I am doing good, even though I have only been with SMART a short while, due to the fact I had a severe relapse and backed out, but I have plucked up the courage to go back. Since then I've managed to prioritise my priorities and see what I realisticly need to do to reach my goals.

An addiction following trauma can be severe, so even if you decide to look up SMART, please be sure you also have a doctor or therapist to help you. SMART is based on CBT, however it is designed to aid your recovery, the staff are not therapists, but they do have experience in helping with addiction, and many have been through it. My GP knows I am doing it. Her encouragement and help encouraged me to do it!

Today Im saying 'stop!'

Today I'm saying 'Stop!' I ask all professionals to stand up and listen. Do not assume, really listen, and believe. This kind of abuse has left me in a difficult position that is so hard, I cannot disclose it here. Some abusers accuse the victim of abuse because they can't see the abuse. The victim often gets accuse of abuse when acting out of self defence. I am starting to recover and think about building my new life up. However as many would say,' that can only be done, if we are heard.' So please help me by sharing this page.


Behaviour Pattern, Domestic Abuse, Domestic Abuse Story, Domestic Violence, Domestic Violence Must Stop

Meet the author

author avatar Butterfly38
I have recovered from several illnesses and I will be writing about the effects of these and parenting with mental illness. There will be many other topics that interest me too.

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author avatar Lady Aiyanna
14th Jul 2015 (#)

Been there, been a victim of it, collected the evidence and walked out on my husband when he proved he was banging another. I took my child and left.
Help is not by sharing the page but by bringing people out of it not pushing them back into it.
My employers rendered me jobless for trying to stand on my own feet in the past, twice and huge companies well known.
Now, I am still married to the male but he was given a certificate of insanity in Australia and now lives in India yo learn better discipline and upbringing from his mother.
It's all in the upbringing and the victim too can turn into an aggressor when pushed over the limit.
I know I have been there and now happy am alone without a male, no violence, no necking or sex just me in my world with my child.
Do the same thing and be happy. Five years and counting now, no qualms.
Btw, call the cops when in violence and never draw sympathy. I never did, lived it alone, learnt my tricks and hot myself out of my mess in marriage and proud of myself.

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author avatar Lady Aiyanna
14th Jul 2015 (#)

Oh btw, his concubine put him in the mental health care facility in Australia in 2012. Two years after he left me.

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author avatar Sivaramakrishnan A
14th Jul 2015 (#)

Everyone should be clear - thus far and no more. If one gives an inch, a yard is grabbed. Stand up for the rights. Give and take is what forms a relationship but not one giving and the other taking.

I can understand these types in arranged marriages prevalent in India but now it is more of knowing each other before becoming couples. Maybe, it is one trying to change another and that is a disaster - siva

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author avatar WOGIAM
14th Jul 2015 (#)

As sad as i was reading your story,, i am glad you are begining to recover and able to write about it.

Stay strong and i wish you the best in all you do.

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author avatar Retired
14th Jul 2015 (#)

Thanks for sharing this..it must have been very hard for you.I hope it helps several people to decide to put an end to abuse and try to heal themselves.

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author avatar Butterfly38
14th Jul 2015 (#)

I am trying hard. The trauma is always remembered, but with help and understanding you learn to deal with it. My other half (not the partner referred to in the article. ) Is a great barrel of support, who himself has been through alot with me.

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author avatar Butterfly38
14th Jul 2015 (#)

It was very hard for me. No one saw it but me. However I am moving into a new future now, and I hope my articles help others. The person mentioned here, has come to terms with what happened, it took time, but he did accept responsibility for his actions, and I can honestly say, he has changed, though I could never trust him

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author avatar LivelyAurora
17th Jul 2015 (#)

There is hardly anything I can do in a situation like this, other than saying good luck. You will definitely need it. All you gotta do is keep your head held high, and make sure not to trust everyone you see. I was like that, until I realized even your best friends can go against you.

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author avatar Butterfly38
17th Jul 2015 (#)

That is very true LivelyAurora. Some of my friends did go against me, especially when I started standing my ground. I have until now, had a repeated cycle of violent relationships. I learned that the kind of vulnerable mental illness I had, was also causing me to attract people who took advantage of people like me. It was actually very hard for myself and my husband to cope with the 'learned behaviour' these cycles had brought on. They would show up in many 'flashbacks' which would play out in real time, and it was as if we were there again.

However, we are in a new future now. We both hope this page helps others see the reality of people living with domestic violence, which is still very much a 'closed door area' for both men and women. Although things are changing, hopefully for the better.

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author avatar GV Rama Rao
18th Jul 2015 (#)

This is a sensitive subject that involves people that are insensitive. The only way to stop this is for the victim to stand up and shout out about the abuse. No other way, I think.

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author avatar Carol Roach
20th Jul 2015 (#)

the important thing is that you are healing and one day you will be well again. Thank you for your story.

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author avatar snerfu
29th Jul 2015 (#)

It is a lousy feeling to know you are alone. But here on Wikinut you have your friends when you talk about it, you can be sure that we are listening...and understanding. Because many of the things happened to us too. Only we were too busy with other things to write about it. Keep a smile up...if possible, it will help.

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