Weddings over... The Good Arguments have begun!

Gfeef By Gfeef, 14th Jun 2010 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Family>Relationships

The wedding bells still ringing in your ears and you want to throw the ring off, and run for the door, as you learn how impossible they are to live with. Calm down and see the positives in this argument. They may be the start of a stronger relationship.

It's not Plain Sailing?

As a new couple you are starting a new family (perhaps only of two), becoming part of two old families, and having to deal with a lot of conflict. This article has a look at some ways of looking at that conflict as a positive, building experience to make your family and marriage strong.

Realistically

A marriage is more than just falling asleep next to that man, or woman, who you absolutely adore. However cheesy it may sound. The artist Nichole Nordeman once wrote a song about 'the storms' that marriage brings, singing that it 'just knew we weren't quite finished with the roof when it started'. She talks frankly about the song, saying people probably warned her and her husband how tough married life would be, but they were too busy picking out wedding china to notice. It would be a useless song if it didn't resonate with the experience that so many young couples face as they try and start married life. The glow of the wedding quickly fades under his smelly socks, her shoe collection and trying to be a part of two unique, and sometimes conflicting, families. It's something all couples go through, the real test is how they cope with it.

The age old key of communication is often dangerous thing. Many are squashed by their partners strong views, feeling they must leave their own opinions behind. Others use the bedroom, and particularly the bed, as a battlefield or a bribe to get their own way. Yet, arguments are healthy, they allow you to learn the passions of the other individual and so see more of the heart you first fell in love with. So when these arguments arise how can you see them as a positive thing and not get caught up in defending your battle-lines.

5 Things to remember

Firstly, you don't need to agree to love the other persons opinion. Showing your loved one that you value their opinion will take the sting out of the fact that you disagree. This simple acknowledgement can change a shouting match to a calm discussion.

Secondly, not everything is right and wrong. Relationships work in the shades of grey as well as black and white. Allowing the other persons opinion to 'win' does not mean you 'lost'. Losing would be not questioning the decision if you did not agree with it. You have learnt and come to a decision together by discussion, that is a great achievement, one much of the world is unable to do.

Thirdly, be careful with your wording. Notice the difference between; 'you treat me like dirt' and 'you make me feel like dirt'. By using words that show your feelings you can have a much more productive conversations. The first sentence would often put people on the defensive, the second would question bring the question 'why?'

Fourthly, this is your marriage and not anyone else's. Bringing in other peoples opinions to back up your argument is not usually wise. It's not that you won't seek advice from family and friends, but it's important that it's just advice and not instructions. You loved this person and committed to going through life with them. You did not marry their best friend and neither did they marry yours.

Lastly, don't stop communicating. Storming out the house and giving 'the silent treatment' does not work. Nothing gets resolved. Some people need space to calm down, if that's the case they need to let their partner know that the conversation is not over. Avoiding problems can make them bigger and uglier than they are. Many couples swear by sorting out arguments before they sleep, other say that tired worn bodies and minds make it worse. Find out how your partner acts when angry and decide together on when you will resolve conflicts.

Foundations

Many people go through the honeymoon periods of relationships and then crack when they realise that real life grows up through the pavements. You can attack with weed killer and hope that it doesn't return, you can ignore it and pretend everything is fine. The greatest challenge is to face it, pull up the slabs and put down a foundation that will last for life.

(Nichole Nordeman, 'We build', from the album 'Brave' 2005)

Tags

Argument, Counciling, Couple, Couples, Fight, Listen, Marriage, Married, Positive, Wedding, Weddings, Yell, Yelling

Meet the author

author avatar Gfeef
a youthworker, a traveller, soon to be a wife, a christian, a girl who is still discovering life

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Comments

author avatar amiekendall
15th Jun 2010 (#)

i like this as im engaged but not married yet

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