The Worst Wedding

kaylar By kaylar, 31st Jul 2011 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Family>Relationships

A review of the worst wedding (so far) I have ever attended

Setting the Parameters

I am not discussing those weddings where something beyond the control of the parties happens.

Nor those accidents of place, time, people.

I am writing about a wedding which went exactly the way the Bride demanded it to go.

Not everyone has the brains they are born with.

There seeems to be alot of brain slippage in which the grey matter travels down the spine and becomes lodged in the nether region.

I don't need to 'embroider' the facts, this is really what happened.

I Want My Wedding the Way I want My Wedding

The speaker is a spoiled brat who was once a beautiful model.

She became involved with a chap, gained weight, so she's not so beautiful anymore, and her voice is more a squawk than a purr.

Her older brother, had a very small well contained wedding at an All-Inclusive resort
on the North Coast of Jamaica.

He and his bride were of Jamaican descent. As his parents and her parents were divorced living in various countries and cities, it seemed sensible to meet on neutral soil.

He had five guests, his wife had five guests, and they all got along wonderfully.

She figured to do the same thing.

Hence any question, suggestion, advice was slapped away with anger, and she brayed; "I Want My Wedding The Way I want My Wedding!!!!"

The Wrong Day/The Wrong Time/The Wrong Place

She set it on a particular day at a particular time, and had to go to a 'family'
all inclusive as her brother and wife had a child.

However, her brother and wife and child declined to come as they didn't have the money.

So she's stuck at an All-Inclusive Family Hotel. (Trust me with this one, unless you have wild children, you don't want to be here).

The Next thing she didn't factor in was that her husband, not being a Jamaican, would have to be in the country for 24 hours before he could get married.

This meant a last minute change from Saturday to Sunday.

Airlines don't like the juggling, so a few people didn't
come. She could have checked this fact first, or asked someone, but didn't
trouble her mind with anything beyond how pretty she planned to look.

It's All About MEEEEE!

For some reason she never factored her mother into any of her plans. Her mother
was way at the back, not that she would have noticed, since she had already had
the big fight in which she got to bleat; "I want my wedding the way I want it!"

And told her mother, in no uncertain terms that she didn't have to come.

Anyway, the travelling to the Hotel took the better part of the day, as it was way out
of the way. So the Wedding had to be bumped to a different venue as since the 2 o'clock was on spot.

Another cute thing was that the best restaurant was already booked, the only thing available was to have the 'reception' at the Tex-Mex fast food terrace.

Meanwhile, the ceremony goes by virtually unheard as the Marriage officer had to
do a quick ceremony and go elsewhere, and it was the third wedding he was officiating for the day.

After the brief ceremony the Bride & Groom start taking pictures, and the guests are ignoring each other.

The food is so bad, the mother of the bride has two therapuetic pukes in the men's room as someone was already puking in the ladies room.

Two hours later, the pictures are done, the guests have moved away, and the Bride and Groom show up, briefly, before being slapped with an enormous bill for the thousand pictures they took, when only fifty were covered.

The Bride abandons her remaining guests along with the Groom's mother to find money to pay for the photographs.

The Groom and his father are drinking in the Bar, run into the Bride's mother, and introduce themselves.

By this time everyone else has gone.

The Bride's mother has this smug look on her face, which annoys the Bride even
more, and harsh words are about to be said, so the mother departs.

If You are thinking of a Wedding at an All-Inclusive

Getting married at an All-Inclusive Hotel is as personal as marrying in a Vegas
all night chapel.

Each guest costs; no guest enters who hasn't been paid for. Any 'last minute' guest has to have the Bride or Groom running down with the 'entry fee' before the guest can enter.

Sure the Hotel is attractive. If the weather cooperates and you have a top photographer, (not the kind the Hotel provides) you might get some really great
snaps... but is the wedding about photographs or is it about joining a man and a woman in matrimony?

The ceremony at this wedding was the least of it. No one cared about vows, or about who would pronouce them, it was like buying a ticket to see a movie.
You don't even notice who sold you the ticket.

Many All-Inclusives book their venues for no more than forty five minutes, tops. Everyone is to be in their seats at 10:00 and off the premises by 10:30 so that the decorators can race in and get ready for the next wedding..

Hence, if you miss your time, you are out of there, unless you can re-book.

The Food at these hotels is not special.
There may be a cake, but it's nothing to remember.

Unless you can formulate a special menu and pay extra for it, you get what the particular restaurant at that particular hotel is serving.

Having guests sit on the terrace and eat Tex-Mex, (which is kind of horrible on it's
best day) at your Wedding Reception, takes sleeze a bit further than expected.

A lot of things, not just the photographs, are NOT covered in the 'All-Inclusive'. Hence getting a bill from the Bar is standard.

Real Weddings

After the actual ceremony, the guests are the second most important feature of a Wedding.

If the guest are not significant to you, elope. If you really are going to do that
reception thing, get everyone you ever knew to attend.

Don't worry about food, if you paid for 200 and 400 show up, well, food finished.
If they came for the free meal, not your problem.

The Best move is to have the reception where that you can reason with the owners of the venue, so that you can 'even up' at the end if more people come than expected.

The Guests should feel that they are at something special.
And someone should be official greeter.

People should be introduced to each other, everyone should mix and mingle,
including the Bride & Groom.

The Speeches should be memorable, lots of people should be invited to speak.
And the floor should be open in case someone wants to say something.

Everyone should feel comfortable, happy, part of the wedding.

And the Award Goes To

The Reason this wedding won my Worst was due to all the negatives piling one
on the other. From the venue to the 'food' (term used loosely) to the behaviour
of the Bride, to the various glitches.

Of course, the high point is, that despite the chagrin of the Bride, I get to dine out
on her wedding.


All-Inclusive Hotels, Family, Hotel, Marriage, Photographs, Wedding

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author avatar kaylar
I am passionate about history, culture, current events, science and law

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author avatar Mark Gordon Brown
2nd Aug 2011 (#)

My wife and I got married at home, no guests at all, only 2 witnesses.. then we had pizza!

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author avatar kaylar
2nd Aug 2011 (#)

Think I'll make a Pita Pizza now.

The point is, if you were going to have a bigger wedding, guests become so important...unless like the idiot in the piece...

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