Questions of the Heart

Carol Roach By Carol Roach, 19th Apr 2015 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/27xpkg7y/
Posted in Wikinut>Family>Kids

This the continuation of the story of taking in a street person and the dismal effects she had on me when she left.

Introduction

This is part two of What happens when you take in a homeless person?

My heart is telling me how fragile and vulnerable it is right now. The events of the past three days have really shaken my world, my courage, and my thin veneer of protection, which I thought was resolution. How could I know that I would hurt so badly over Darla? I thought I had put her leaving past me and moved forward as I was supposed to do. How was I to know that the sound of her voice crying into a payphone at a metro station would totally shatter my world? How was I to know that I was still grieving?

Free spirit

I think about the old adage, out of sight out of mine and realize how these words come back to haunt me. As long as Darla had made the move, and did not contact me, I had prepared myself for the fact that she was no longer in my life. I made the logical rationalization that the best thing I could do is accept the situation and move on. I thought I was protecting my heart from unnecessary insult.

How could I be so foolish to turn my feelings off just because it was the right thing to do? How could I think that I could ignore the urgings of my heart and deny the person I really am? How could I be so foolish as to think my heart would let me? Out of sight, out of mind, they are such powerful words. How true they turned out to be for me. I heard the desperation in her voice, even though she tried to be brave. She had been sobbing, I could tell. My heart secretly wept as I listened to her. She asked to come and see me, I wanted to say yes so badly, but I knew if she came I would not have the strength to tell her when it was time to go.

Nothing would change, she would come and stay a month and then she would be gone again. She is a free spirit that cannot be tamed. She is a wandering soul that has no home. The terrible reality is she continues to tear my heart apart, rips it from my body and takes it with her where ever she goes.

My beautiful white cat

My heart is fragile, it needs to be protected and it needs to be loved. My mind tells me I must concentrate on the love that I do have in my life. I must consider all the people who will accept my love and not discard it. I am very fortunate, because even though I do not have Darla, I have my son, my boyfriend, my friends, and my animals to nurture this ache that cripples my soul.

Tonight I will call my cat, Pearl to come to bed with me. She adores me. I am her goddess. I will lay my ear upon her back, which is our nightly ritual. I will rub her snow white feature soft fur. I will listen to her gentle purring and listen beyond for her purring to the sound of her precious heartbeat. I will fall asleep that way knowing within my own heart that I am truly loved.

Note: This article was written in 2006 and I sometimes hear from Darla but she has never come back to live with us.

Tags

Broken Heart, Heart Broken, Missing A Loved One, Moving Out, White Cat

Meet the author

author avatar Carol Roach
Retired therapist and author of two books, freelance writer, newsletter editor, and blogger. I write, health, mental health, women's issues, animal , celebrity, history, and SEO articles.

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Comments

author avatar Kingwell
20th Apr 2015 (#)

You express those feelings so well. Blessings.

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