OliviaGrace's Birthday...

Lisa Partee By Lisa Partee, 9th May 2013 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Family>Parenting

I'm never surprised when my old traveling companions, Guilt and Shame start talking to me...but I am so grateful to have introduced them to Grace and Mercy.

OliviaGrace's Birthday...



It’s 2:30 am-Cookie whispers in the dark, “Momma-am I nine years old yet?” I look over at my “baby” and whisper back, “Not yet. As soon as the sun comes up.” She’s quiet…I guessed by her breathing that she was slipping back to sleep. All of a sudden she says loudly, “AWW MANNN! I FELT BIGGER–AND I HAVE SO MANY MORE RESPONSIBILITIES….!” Then she turns over and quietly continues to fuss like a little ol’ lady until she actually does drift back to sleep. I love her so! I pull her close remembering my funny-lookn lil’ “happy surprise” baby I had at age 37- that grew into this beauty….It’s becoming easier for me to call her by her name, OliviaGrace instead of “Cookie.”

For a moment, my old traveling companions, Guilt and Shame stirred from their hiding spots deep deep way down deep in my psyche and started whispering together, “HA! How dare she be grateful! She left her baby when she was little so she could get and stay as high as high could go…..this little girl is ‘damaged’…” The familiar tears started, my chest felt tight and I was suddenly so afraid–of everything!

My name is Lisa and I’m a addict. I suffer from a disease that has no known cure. It manifests itself in strange and dysfunctional behaviors and thinking errors and skewed perceptions about myself and the world around me. It talks to me in my own voice and woos and deceives me with some of the most profound bullshit that one could ever imagine! .This disease can only go into “remission” with daily maintanace. My odds would be better if I had cancer. Wow. Ow.

Two years and a half years ago when I finally surrendered to the Process I had run from for so so long, I knew I had to find reason enough to stay present in my life. Experience had proven that my babies alone were not enough to silence that scream that welled and swelled deep inside me. I can honestly say that this has been the best and the worst 2 yrs of my life. I have literally rocked and groaned with pain so exquisite that there were no words. But-the Glory to my Story is that in that raw, almost primal place, I found the Comforter. The Savior. The Living Water. And through the Process I am now finding my Purpose! The Reasons for staying instead of “getting in traffic” are making sense now.

So here in the wee hours of the morning, on OliviaGrace’s Birthday Eve, I own my Position as her mommy. Guilt and Shame are quiet as they watch Grace and Mercy place their arms around me and my “happy surprise” baby! She’s sleeping again and I just keep saying. “Thank you thank you thank you…!”

Tags

Addiction, Birthday, Forgiveness, Grace, Guilt, Mercy, Parenting, Recovery, Shame, Women

Meet the author

author avatar Lisa Partee
My name is Lisa and when I wake up in the morning, I think about writing...everything I look at throughout the day tells me a story...and before I go to sleep at night, I thank
God for this "gift".

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Comments

author avatar Stella Mitchell
10th May 2013 (#)

Dear Lisa .I have only stumbled across you these last few days , but feel I have known you forever . Such is the way of the same Spirit that connects us as family in this vast world . I am also grateful that He accepts such as us , and helps us to grow in grace in the maze of this messed up world ....Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ the Lord ......Rom 8:1 Wonderful words that break the power of shame and guilt , if we accept them .Plus He is the Giver of all good gifts , so, Enjoy your precious one .
God bless you always.
Stella ><

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