Normality to nothingness

Star light By Star light, 13th Jan 2016 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/18hljjmv/
Posted in Wikinut>Family>Bereavement

Welcome to my first page!
My writing is going to be based on my experiences and thoughts in life... I have no qualifications and left school at 12 years old without barely being able to read or write.
I have come a long way and feel i want to speak up with hope that i can inspire others.Im going to give you an insight to my childhood with my first page, hope you all enjoy my story and be mindful to what i've been through. Not the best writer, but i will absolutly try as practise makes perfect!

Baby of the family

I was born into a huge family, in the southeast of london. My mum and dad produced eight children, seven girls and one boy, i was the baby of the bunch. We was solid, happy and nonstop growing... It felt as if a baby was born every six months and by the time i was five, i was already an aunty to around ten nieces and nephews! We was always together and a busy house hold. Dad had a rare illness called friedreichs ataxia and was wheelchair bound from such a young age. My dad had such a loving, caring, but humorous wit to him which everyone adored him for. Dads outlook still inspires me and even amazes me, for someone to be so restricted yet very optimistic and happy about life. My mum was the tough one who dealt with almost everything. Never a thought to why only mum would tell us off and always appeared so firm, but now im older i understand she was under a lot of presure looking after so many of us and my dad too. I was very close to my mum and still referred as "my baby" by her. I hold such great memories of my younger childhood years, and as a small child i expected to be living a happy family life forever...But it was only short lived.

The feeling of being heart broken

It was the end of september 1993, getting all excited about our annual trip to plymouth! Packing my best clothes for the holiday, and looking forward to seeing friends from the previous years... can't wait!!! The night before we was due to go, mum came into my room and said the trip might be off cos she was getting chest pains and wasn't feeling too good. I felt quite gutted and started praying we could go. I was woken up the next morning by mum telling me to get ready quickly cos we are leaving to go devon in 15 minutes... A bit baffled as from the conversation the night before, but now excited again! Such a long drive, listening to rod stuart most of way, thinking are we there yet like most children do... Never knowing this was going to be the last day i spend as a happy child! The next morning i woke up and went into the caravan sittingroom to find my sister lacey sitting there. I asked "wheres mum and dad" she assured me they was shopping and i can go out to play for a bit but not to go too far. Whilst being out, everyone was being really weird with me so after an hour i went back to the caravan. I wandered in the caravan door, mum and lacey was crying on the sofa, and advised me dad was very sick in hospital from having an heart attack in the middle of the night! I feel into shock and pleaded with them to let me see him, but they refused. For the next two days we just sat around waiting for news on dad... On the 2 of october dad had took a turn for the worst and mum was called to be with him. I litrally cried, argued, and begged for someone to take me to see my dad.. A friend of the family sneaked me into her car and took me to see him! We walked into a sizeable bright room where dad was laid with so much needles and all sorts attached to his arms and chest. Dad looked like he was in such a peaceful sleep. Mum charged at us abruptly screeching "get her out of here". Being pushed back out the door, to them having quiet discussion about if it was right for me to be there. Mum agreed i can go back in to give my dad a kiss but then i must leave. We entered back into the room, just me and mum...I kissed dads cheek... Dads eyes opened, looked at me, then straight at mum.. dad whispered "I love you both" and then he was gone... It felt like i had swallowed a sword... I couldn't breath... WHY... Dad was age 44 when he fell asleep, so young!! This was the most painful event i had ever experienced as a child. This day has left me feeling a way i never felt before, traumatised!! All i knew about death before this day was "One day we will pass away and go to heaven" Nothing more, nothing less.

falling out... Falling apart

Over the next few months everyone fell into deep depressive states and constantly argued. All grieved without excepting the other persons grievances, Everyone was hurting but expressed their hurt differently, No one was the same, everyone went off in their own direction within months of losing dad. Such acts of selfish behaviours had taken its toll and its pretty much been that way since. I became a very depressed child, my focus was gone, lacked communication and all i could think of was ways that i could join dad. Around a year on i tried to hang myself in school and authorities wanted to get me help but my mum refused on the grounds i was attention seeking! Attention seeking?!? No one will ever understand what i was feeling, just like i could't understand their feelings. From our loss, mum had become a different person and it was obvious a part of her died too. She sent out strong signals of blame and frustration. Mum made it so clear she didn't want us around and would always express she knows we would be happy if it was her dead. It felt like me and my brother "harry" would have to avoid her sight, "treading on egg shells". We know she lost the love of her life, but she was forgetting we had all lost our dad too. Every night i would struggle to sleep, it was as if every day had became a painful day. Thoughts would run through my mind, so many thoughts. The thoughts led to chest pains, from chest pains to head aches, from head aches to nose bleeds... fall asleep, nightmares of family dying around me, wake up more nose bleeds!

What i couldn't see then

I feel everyone grieves in different ways, some don't grieve at all! As an adult now, i forgive my mum for the past and what had went on behind closed doors. I can never gain back my childhood, but i feel there is always a child going through something in this harsh world worse than i did. I chose not to tell full details on traumatic events, due to protecting my family from criticism. Depression is something that everyone should be aware of... Someone with depression can't just shake off the feeling. I have wavered in and out of depression since 8 years old for many different reasons. One thing i understand only too well is the actions and words of someone when their in that frame of mind can impact the people around them in a bad way. No one can ever take back what they say and do after its been done! I absolutly believe depression is misunderstood and society fails to spot the signs. Sometimes the person that smiles the most or the one that likes to walk alone are the ones who struggle the most... The one who drinks their feelings or the one who snaps quicker than your fingers are the ones who struggle the most! Honestly the list could go on with how people deal with depression. Society have really got to pull together on this, not everyone is attention seeking! When going through a tough period in life, it seems never ending... But in truth NOTHING is FOREVER and even STRUGGLE is TEMPORARY!

Tags

Childhood Memories, Death Of Loved One, Issolated, Mental Health

Meet the author

author avatar Star light
I would like to reach out with my thoughts based on my experiences. I write to make sense of my life, and with a bit of hope i can inspire others who are going through these subjects!!

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Comments

author avatar Lady Aiyanna
15th Jan 2016 (#)

You write well considering being a person who can barely write although your punctuation and grammar need working on here and there.
Sorry to hear of your father, it is a strain for a husband and father with such a prolific brood and population. Now, how fast was your mothers' rate of reproduction considering there there were 8 kids. Well, not being critical here, but did the social services intervene to clothe and feed you???
Its hard for one man aged 44 at the time of death to feed the brood. None the less, it reminds me of Charlie and his chocolate factory, he produces one baby a year and had 4-5 till date with his Lovely wife doesn't mind as god gave it.

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