My path followed...leads me to writing on wikinut. Part 3

Denise OStarred Page By Denise O, 1st Dec 2010 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Family>Daily Life

The abuse I lived with as a child and my rape had not taken me out, why should this?

My own yellow brick road

I thought I could deal with the rape. I went to work the next day after I was raped and I tried to act like nothing happened. I was going to put this incident behind me, just as I have done with every thing else in my life. I was so mistaken. As each hour ticked by, the more frightened I got. I was so afraid the monster was going to come back. I mean, he knows the area I live in and he also knows what I look like. I just knew that he wanted to take me out, once and for all.

I can remember every detail of that night, as if it was a bad horror flick running through my mind over and over again. I can remember the smell of musty dew, cheap liquor, sweaty socks and dried blood. I remember his bloody hands, the color of his hair, the work boots on his feet and the blue jeans on his legs, as he chased me down and dragged me back to his house. I know I said I remember every detail but, that is not the truth, there is one thing I have not yet told you...

To this day my rapist face, remains a mystery and I like it that way.

I'm okay, really?

I went back to work the very next day, after I was raped. I was the manager of a bar at this time of my life. I tended bar from 11:00 am, until 5:00 in the afternoon. The bar was usually empty until around 3:00 in the afternoon, until then, I was alone. I was at the bar early to take orders, deal with schedules, the money and what have you, for the people that worked at night.

My friends started to show up early in the morning after I was raped. They started to do this so I wouldn't be alone. I was grateful I had friends like that but, every time I saw one of them walking in. My cheap horror flick would start running through my mind.

I had to put a stop to this. I decided, if I act like I am okay, then people would just calm down and stop reminding me of that night. After a few weeks, people did calm down. They fell for my farce of, all is okay with Denise and that was when they stopped the 'We must protect Denise' shifts.

My Joe Friday

Other than one of my friends that started his shift of being my protector. The first customer on my first day back, after I was raped, was one of my regular customers. A retired FBI agent that would visit me a few times a week, always at 11:00 am sharp and he only drank one beer. The first day after my rape, Joe did his usual, he had one beer, we chewed the fat for a half hour and then he left.

I noticed after I was raped, Joe started to come in every day. We still just chewed the fat about the topics of the day, he never got personal. After a few weeks when my protection crew saw I was fine and stopped coming in every morning. Joe came in that day, he ordered his usual beer. Joe looked around, he noticed no one was in the bar and he turned to me and said "What happened?".

I was taken by surprise for a few seconds. I then snapped out of it and said "Nothing.". Out of character, Joe looked me straight in my eyes and he said "I don't believe you.". I broke down crying. I told Joe everything and he urged me to call the rape crisis center and insisted he would not leave until I did.

This day, Joe had two beers.

I find the great Oz

I was greeted by a very nice and gentle lady when I arrived the next day at the rape crisis center. I felt so comfortable that I just spilled my guts. She told me she would be right back. she then walked out of her office. I sat there for what seemed a eternity but, in all actuality, it was about 5 minutes. When she entered the room, she had a man with her.

She introduced me to the doctor, a psychiatrist. He asked me if I wanted too go talk to him, I said "I do.". We went to his office, I went through the whole story, once again. He asked me how my sleep pattern was and I told him non existent. I informed him that I have not been able to sleep for the last few weeks. So he asked me if I minded if he hynotized me, I thought why not, what do I have to lose. I looked up at him and shook my head no. I didn't mind.

My happy place

The doctor had me sit in a chair, get comfortable and then he asked me to think of a happy time, a place where I could go to in my past, that put me at ease. This was a easy one, on the beach with my kids. My kids playing in the sand and making a sand castle, while I sun bathed. I don't know if it was because of my lack of sleep or this doctor was just that good but, I could actually feel the sun beating down on my face. When the sun started to get too hot, I remember him saying "A gentle breeze brushes by your face as you lay there. I felt the breeze, as I heard the kids laughing in the back round and I didn't want to leave this place.

In this relaxed state, the Dr. gave me a suggestion. He suggested that I go home and have a wonderfully relaxed night of sleep and you know what. I did just that. This worked for a few nights then I went back to my old pattern of not sleeping. After a week of not sleeping, I made another appointment with the psychiatrist. We revisited my happy place and once again, I experienced a good night sleep.

I was going to the psychiarist and a few open groups. I was feeling more confident and actually started to laugh again and not that fake laugh I had been displaying to all. I mean, a good down right belly laugh. I felt like I was going to get my life back, I was going to beat what this monster did to me.

Stop! Not yet Denise!

One month after I was raped. I was driving down the road, a car coming from the other direction, hit my car, head on. My car started to spin. As my car was spinning and I was trying to get the car under control. My car was hit by two other cars. One coming from each direction. One hit the front of my car while the other car hit the back end, at the same time.

When those two cars hit me, my body jetted forward and simultaneously, I cracked the windshield with my head, bent the steering wheel with my chest and smashed the dash in with my knee. When ever I think about that day, I am able to feel the pain from the very moment my body made contact with those three objects.

At least it took my mind off the rape

My doctors released me after a few months. Even though I still had a sharp pain in my neck. I told the doctor this but, he just brushed me off. The doctor said " I have taken all the test and we have found nothing." and that was suppose to be the end of that.

The pain would just not go away. I went to doctor after doctor, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Only to get, the same results from each doctor, that they could not find a thing wrong with me.

I had already spent thousands of dollars trying to get a diagnoses, only to be told, they couldn't find a thing wrong with me and maybe I was just depressed. Basically telling me, that it's all in my head.

What good are they!

I had no other choice, I had to go back to work. I had no other income coming in and it has always been, just me against the world. I would wait on people with ice packs strapped to my back, in the hopes of dulling my pain.
I was not given much on my settlement, since the man that caused the accident, insurance company had their private dectective snap a picture of me carrying a few beers to a table, during one of my shifts. Mind you, he sure didn't get the ice packs that were strapped to my back.

I was still seeing the psychiatrist, until he too had the nerve to say , "Just maybe, the pain is Psychological.". I was so furiuos! My pain was real!

The doctors were useless so, I started to see a chiropractor. I would go for a month, get a little relief but then, the pain would always come back a few weeks later. I did this a few times but, it was getting very expensive and I had no insurance at the time.

My knight in shining Armour

A year later, I met my soon to be husband, Dan. Now I had a partner to help me accomplish my task of finding some pain relief. Dan was a volvo master technichian. One day a man brought in his car, nothing major just a up keep kind of thing. The customer was the type of person that bugged Dan because, when Dan was working on his car, he stood there asking Dan what are you doing now?

Dan was getting a bit frustrated but, he just smiled and answered all of the guys questions. Then the guy asked Dan if he had a wife, any kids, Dan politely said "Yes." to both questions. He started to ask Dan questions about us, Dan was getting more frustrated but, he answered them. In Dan's frustration, he started to talk about my plight. Dan thought maybe this would turn the guy off and he would go on his merry way, back to the office and leave him alone. That was not the case.

This only intrigued the guy even more. He asked more questions about me, Dan answered all the questions the guy asked. To Dan's amazement, the man gave Dan his card and told Dan to bring me in, free of charge for the first visit. Dan looked at the card and saw Dr. printed on it. Dan came home that night, so excited and told me about his run in with Dr. X. I didn't want to burst his bubble so I smiled and said "Sure let's give him a try.". So off we went.

Dr. X ran the same test the other Doctors did and his conclusion was. It was not all in my head, it had a name and the name of it is, Chronic myofascial pain syndrome. Dr. X helped me get my life back. No, not as good as I was before the rape and the car accident but, I was at least functional. He was my doctor until 1997. Dr. X left the state and once again, I was left with no doctor that understood my disease.

We're hunting...

We got in contact with my old massage therapist Irene, the one I used while under Dr. X's care. Irene would come to my home and give me a massage once a week. It was expensive but, we managed to work it out. In December of 1999, Irene had to leave, her husband is in the military and they were being stationed up north.

It took only 3 weeks before the pain came back and it came back harder than ever. Dan and I went on another hunt and we were hunting massage therapists. We found most massage therapist, never even heard of my disease. The ones that told me they did, really had no clue about my disease. After a month of trying to find one that would help ease my pain, we finally got lucky and found one that knew about my disease and this time, this massage therapist was telling the truth.

He was not my Irene but, he did good enough work. My pain eased up. Then the virus hit me...

Part one
Part two
Part four
Please, if you have been raped, I am begging you too go to the rape crisis center. They are good people and they understand.

Tags

Car Accident, Car Wreck, Chronic Myofascial Pain, Chronic Pain, Rape, Rape Crisis Center, Rape Story, Rape Victim, Recovery, Survival, Survival Story, Surviving, Talking About

Meet the author

author avatar Denise O
I live in Georgia, USA. I am a granny to 3 precious children. I am Mama to Bugg and two human beings. I was once married to a wonderful, Dan.

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Comments

author avatar SiddiQ
20th Dec 2010 (#)

One heck of a tale. Good job. Don't worry about the rapist. God isn't the only one protecting you now.....

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author avatar Denise O
20th Dec 2010 (#)

Thank you SiddiQ, I know.
This happened a long time ago.
I really am over it, he no longer has a hold of me.
Thank you for your kind words.
I know this article, at this point needs some work. I am just waiting for it to be sent back from Mark.
I made stupid mistakes, oops!LOL
Thank you for stopping by.:)

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author avatar Jerry Walch
20th Dec 2010 (#)

Damn, Denise...Ditto SiddQ

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author avatar Denise O
20th Dec 2010 (#)

Thanks Jerry, your 'Damn' says it all.
Hey, they might keep knocking me down but, dammit, I keep getting back up.lol
Thank you for stoppng by my friend.:)

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author avatar Humza
20th Dec 2010 (#)

the bad guy would have been dead now seeing u happy and i wish him in finite deaths like that

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author avatar Mark Gordon Brown
20th Dec 2010 (#)

I cannot thank you enough for sharing your experience. There is (sadly) somebody out there that your story will reach who is going though bad times too and they need to hear your struggle and story.

Be sure to edit part 1 and 2 to add links to this, and future parts.

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author avatar Carol
20th Dec 2010 (#)

You have such courage Denise! I feel your emotion in your words. I hope sharing it has helped you, and life is better now. Some things can never be forgotten, but the rape crisis centre obviously helped you to deal with it.

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author avatar ppruel
20th Dec 2010 (#)

Another WOW friend. Awesome. Congrats. Happy holidays.

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author avatar Denise O
20th Dec 2010 (#)

Humza, that has been my greatest revenge, he only took from me briefly but, for 20 years now, he owns nothing of me.
Humza, I am not his judge but, I am only human...
I hope when he does go for his judgement day, he will have to be held accountable for what he did to me and the other women.
Now he is just a speck in this world, a nothing to me.
Thank you for your support and for stopping by.:)

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author avatar Humza
22nd Dec 2010 (#)

densie he dont deserve to be a speck even!
just throw that very idiot out of ur life! he dont deserves a discussion even so lets not discuss such filthy ppl at such a cool and beautiful place

IRON LADY!

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author avatar Denise O
20th Dec 2010 (#)

Thank you Mark for your kind words and your wonderful support you have given me.
Sadly, my story is not done, I still have two more parts or
maybe three to go.
I have been surprised how many hits I have gotten on twittley on these stories actually.
That has been my intention, to help. Nothing more.
I am not the type of person that would put this out for sympanthy because, that is not me in the least.
So many people struggle silently, I just want to be their voice and let them know, they are not alone.
I plan on putting out a Buggs world story this week and finish the other two parts. T
he 5th part is a Christmas story that relates to all that has happened and all that is soon to come in my storys.
I could go on and on just how much you have enriched my life with your support but, Bugg needs to go outside and you know, It's a Bugg's world.
I do want to say one more thing though...
In my heart I know, I could not have gone through writting this all down and put out a product that would make some one that has gone through something like I have, read them, if not for your help.
So when I help one person, you are my partner standing next to me.
May you and your family have a wonderful holiday.
As they say here in the deep south...You seem like good people to me.
Thank you for everything.:)

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author avatar Denise O
20th Dec 2010 (#)

Awww Thank you Carol for your sweet words.
I know how strong of a woman you are, I have read all your stories and I admire you.
The rape is far from in my life but, if I tell anymore...
That might kill part 4 and 5.
Hey, you know, you are a writer, we must leave a bit of suspense.LOL
All I know is, that everything that has happened to me, has given me more strength to love more and to help others.
Thank you for stopping by.:)

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author avatar Denise O
20th Dec 2010 (#)

Merry Christmas sweet Carol and to your family also.
May all your Christmas wishes come true.:)

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author avatar Denise O
20th Dec 2010 (#)

Thank you ppruel for your kind words.
May you and your family have a wonderful holiday.
Thank you for stopping by my friend.:)

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author avatar A.R.Treadway
21st Dec 2010 (#)

WOW! you are so strong! I can't imagine going thru that.Bravo to you.The Goddess is surely watching over you. Peace to you and Blessed be

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author avatar Denise O
21st Dec 2010 (#)

AR, thank you for your kind words. I am just like million of others, that do deal with certain blows in their lives.
Only to come out swinging.
Thank you for sharing.:)

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author avatar krrymarie
21st Dec 2010 (#)

OMG! Denise what you have gone through I ma sorry to swear nut its been shit for you. and you really do not deseve anything that has happned to you.
Like I always say its the nice ppl that get all the crap and the horrible ones get away with it and only nice things seem to come to them.
That just shows life is so unfair. hugs to you my dear.
Happy Christmas and new year to you and yours xx

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author avatar Denise O
22nd Dec 2010 (#)

Thank you krrymarie for your very kind words.I am no better than any one else. These things go on all the time.
Hugs back to you hon.
Merry Christmas and a Happy new year to you also.
Thank you for stopping by.:)

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author avatar kguru1979
22nd Dec 2010 (#)

very pathetic...!

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author avatar kguru1979
22nd Dec 2010 (#)

very pathetic...!

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author avatar Denise O
22nd Dec 2010 (#)

Why did you write Pathetic? hmmmm
With a"Very". hmmm
I need no ones pity, nor do I want it.
Life happens dude and this is just a story of some shitty
(Sorry folks about my language) circumstances that I went through.
I have left a lot of other shitty things out!
If you would had taken the time too read any of my other work, you would have known.
I also have written about the good damn (Once again, excuse my language folks)things that have gone on with my life and continues on. tyvm
I write to help others know one thing, that they are not alone. Nothing more.
I guess we're all entitled to our opinions.
Thank you for stopping by.:)

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author avatar Denise O
22nd Dec 2010 (#)

Kguru, I am hoping this is just a language problem issue.
Pathetic means...
I am arousing pity.
Meaning: I wrote this to seek out attention and have people feel sorry for me.
If this is a language issue, then excuse my harsh message.
Thank you.:)

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author avatar Rob Kentworth
22nd Dec 2010 (#)

Thanks for sharing this, Denise, as with the other parts.

I agree with what Mark said as well. Hopefully this'll help anyone going through rough times.

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author avatar Denise O
22nd Dec 2010 (#)

Thank you Rob, That has been my goal.
These articles are a lot harder to do then most might think.
I have put it in my past but, after editing a page 20 times or so, while in draft.
Maybe some issues do get to me but, I have found, it has been worth it in the end.
Thank you for your kind words and for stopping by.:)

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author avatar Rob Kentworth
22nd Dec 2010 (#)

Yeah, I can only imagine how hard it is to write this and that fact along with what you've been through deserves respect etc.

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author avatar Denise O
22nd Dec 2010 (#)

Thank you Rob, I appreciate your very nice comments.
Thank you for stopping by.:)

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author avatar JoeStone
23rd Dec 2010 (#)

Quite the story!

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author avatar Denise O
23rd Dec 2010 (#)

I'm taking that as a good comment, Joe.
Thank you for stopping by.:)

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author avatar Maria Papadopoulou
23rd Dec 2010 (#)

I want to congratulate you for having the courage to talk openly about such a sensitive issue. I know you did it to raise awareness and offer help.

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author avatar Denise O
23rd Dec 2010 (#)

Thank you Maria for your very kind words.
Yes, I am doing it, in the hopes it will help others to realize, there is help and also, it is not their shame to carry.
They did nothing wrong.
Thank you for sharing.:)

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author avatar Angelique Newman
24th Dec 2010 (#)

You sure went through the mill, but you managed to come out on top. Beautifully written Denise and thanks for sharing.
Wishing you all the best for the holiday season and 2011.

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author avatar Denise O
25th Dec 2010 (#)

Thank you Angelique for your kind words.
Heck, who of us have not been run through the mill, one time or another.
Thank you for the Wishes and happy holiday season to you and yours.
Thank you for stopping by.:)

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author avatar Lizzy
3rd Jan 2011 (#)

Thankyou for sharing, I really needed to hear that, ur bravery has inspired me to get help x

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author avatar Greenfaol
3rd Jan 2011 (#)

Excellent article, You are strong and sharing this must have been extremely hard for you. There is nothing pathetic about you or what you went through, I truly hope that was a language barrier.
Love and blessings on you and yours. Stay safe xxx

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author avatar Denise O
3rd Jan 2011 (#)

Green, I honestly thing it was a language barrier.
I didn't notice thuis, until about the third page the poor guy went to of mine. I felt so bad.
Here this woman gave him the what for here. Oops!
Thank you hon for your kind words and love and blessings back at ya.
Thank you for stopping by.:)

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author avatar Retired
15th Jan 2011 (#)

Thank you for sharing

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author avatar Denise O
16th Jan 2011 (#)

Your welcome Geny. Thank you for stopping by.:)

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author avatar Retired
20th Jan 2011 (#)

Excellent work.

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author avatar Denise O
20th Jan 2011 (#)

Thank you Martin for your kind words and for stopping by.:)

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author avatar Denise O
20th Jan 2011 (#)

Thank you retired for stopping by.:)

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author avatar c4collins
28th Feb 2011 (#)

I'm gonna' add you to my prayer list because I believe prayer changes things, Denise...healing can be yours, in Jesus' Mighty Name...

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author avatar Aileen Tecson
2nd Apr 2011 (#)

I deeply like your courage and the struggle you go through even makes you strong..

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author avatar Denise O
2nd Apr 2011 (#)

Amen C. I have already included you in mine hon. Thank you for your kind words and for stopping by.:)

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author avatar Denise O
2nd Apr 2011 (#)

Aileen, I really think it does make you stronger. I mean, we either ignore it and allow it to fester or we tackle it straight on, that has always been my way, I see things as they are and not how I want them to be, at times that part is hard to take. Thank you for stopping by.:)

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author avatar Mark Gordon Brown
2nd May 2011 (#)

Congrats on being Wikinut Author of the day!

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author avatar Denise O
2nd May 2011 (#)

Thank you Mark.:)

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