My Demons of Abuse

EmpressStarred Page By Empress, 21st Mar 2014 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/2bgqlbpl/
Posted in Wikinut>Family>Domestic Violence & Abuse

I was going through some old papers of mine and found a strong worded letter to my abusive ex. Since I've been dealing with putting the past behind me, facing my demons and moving forward I decided this was a perfect opportunity to share it and face at least one of the demons on my back.

Dear Buttplug, ****face, Douchebag

Holy crap!!!!!! You must be dumbest person I have ever known. Either that or I am just so smart that you don't understand my words. It's over, means just that. Get lost!!!! F**k if I could just pack my bags and leave I would but hey, I have a life and responsibilities. I tell you over and over and over and over again that I do NOT love you. I've gone as far as to be honest that I don't think I ever loved you at all and yet you persist. "I learned my lesson honey" whatever. "I'll never do it again" sure sure. You piss me off so much!!!! You know, I just spent the past year walking on eggshells, frightened of making the slightest move and setting off the bomb. I am not afraid anymore. I'm past the point of shivering in fear. I am PISSED!!!!! Look what you have done to me. Look what you have made of me. Do you remember Lisa? Do you remember that girl you met so long ago? I do, you thought you killed her. You thought you suffocated her to death but guess what??? She's right here, she's me and we are pissed off. Hell hath no fury than a woman scorned, and you have scorned me boy. I forgave you for so much crap. Remember Heather?!? Yeah, yeah I know you remember her. On the one year anniversary of my dad's death, you took her back to your mommy's house. And how did I react? Yeah, you will never find a woman so willing to forgive and move on. You are a selfish child. It's always about you. I don't even understand how you can be a dad when all you ever do is think of yourself. Just last mother's day you tried to break my arm so I couldn't go to work. You kept screaming that mother's day is nothing. What about you what about you. F**k you!!!!!! You will not win this damn game. Stop playing innocent, stop pretending to be a decent person. People like you should die. People like you don't deserve what you had, and now that you understand that leave me alone. I am better than you, I am stronger than you, and mentally I have kicked your ass all across this country. I am pissed and ready to fight so back off and get out of my f***ing face!!!!! PS no I'm not being a good girl cause guess what? WE ARE DONE. Been done for a long long time. Stop saying you love me, stop calling me honey bunny. In fact stop talking to me alltogether. Because of you I do not trust anyone. Because of you I will always think every man will hurt me, I will always think that no one can love me, and that every man is out to play a damn mind game with me. yeah that's right, I think men play mind games to get what they want out of me. Thanks buddy, hope you rot!!!! >:[
You ask me to forgive you, not going to happen. You say you still love me? No one that loves me would do all the shit you have done to me. I'm not just talking about a simple broken nose. I'm talking about everything. You are not a man!!!! You are a manchild. I have tried for over a year to make you understand that I do not love you, that this is not working, that we are over. I ran away from you. I spent extra hours sitting at work off the clock to avoid you, and even more time at Mcd's listening to music waiting for you to go to bed so I can come home. I did not know what else to do, what to say. Before the nose, there was that fight on New Years Day. I know you remember. You kept screaming at me, you dragged me through the hallway, threw me down the stairs and repeatedly kicked me in the head and back. And your apology? No apology, hey baby at least I didn't hit you. Men don't hit women. Newsflash!!!!! Choking, kicking, throwing and headbutting are just as bad. Oh and yes emotional and mental abuse are real. They hurt more than the small fractures and bruises you have given me in the past. Telling me I have to stay with you because no man would love me cause of my stretch marks?!!? Yeah thanks for that one!!!! Hey guess what!? You're right I'm crazy, I can be a bitch and yes, I'm a miserable person. Why? Cause I was stuck with you!!!!!!!!! All I want is for you to leave me alone now. I'm no longer a puppet for you to make dance around for your entertainment. I am me, nothing else. I love to go out and have fun, I like to drink, and yes, I can have men for friends because guess what? I'm not a whore!!!! I don't need to sleep with every man I see. I know I'm good, I don't need to sleep with the first person that tells me so, I'm not you. I don't need you, never have and never will. I was quite happy living my life the way I was before you. You wouldn't understand what it's like to be free, or happy. And hey, if I go missing and they find my body floating in the Red River, yes they will suspect you. They WILL know that you did it. I have not made enough enemies in my life. In fact, you are the only one!!!!! Hate is a very strong word, reserved for the worst of the worst of the most horrible people. You I hate!!!!!!! I will no longer keep my feelings hidden on this. I don't care who knows, I did nothing wrong. All I did was make the mistake of caring about you, a mistake I will never repeat!!!!!!

Proof of Abuse

This was a letter written to my ex shortly after he broke my nose. A letter written with the vilest hatred I have ever felt. A dark loathing monster set free upon paper to sting with bitter and nasty words. This is what abuse did to me. This is what I was reduced to from the years of mental, emotional, and physical anguish he bore down upon me. Looking back, it was my anger that saved me from certain death. It was this rage that kept me from taking him back with open arms and believing the sad old story of "I'm sorry, I'll never do it again". I didn't in fact walk away as quickly as I would have liked to, but this letter, this anger, the beast living inside of me was awake and it would keep me from being harmed again.
I've heard a great deal about abuse lately, I know I'm not alone. That there are many others out there that have suffered from this. But sometimes I get upset when I hear people throw the word around for everything they feel may be a form of abuse. This letter is proof of what abuse really does to someone. Proof that there is a difference between real abuse and the type that people sometimes throw around in hopes of getting what they want. I have often been accused of making my story up, or embellishing on the details of the horrid ten years I spent with this man. I kid you not when I say it was a living hell. One that I thought I was doomed to suffer from for the rest of my life. The toll that it took upon me, the scars I will forever have to look at, and the incessant physical pain that I will always be bound by are there to prove that I have lived through it, and I have made it to the other side.

Demons Released

Lately I have had to learn to face my demons, to release them and find peace within myself. This is part of it. I want to, nay, have to share my story piece by piece to let go of the memories, the anger, the pain and everything in between. I have lived with abuse, I have seen it, I have felt it, and it has touched me and my children. But I am no victim to it. I refuse to allow myself to sit down and cry, to wallow in the defeat and wail foul at the top of my lungs. The abuse pushed me down, and yes, it nearly destroyed me. But the person that got back up from the mud, the person that wrote that letter, she is still here. She is still very much fighting back, very much alive. And she is screaming to be freed, to be heard. She wants nothing more than to release the shackles of these painful memories and watch them sink without her to the fiery pits of hell itself. Abuse has hurt me, it has damaged me, and it has burned me but it has not killed me. I am strong now, made stronger everyday by the fact that I now live my life with mission, a goal. I WILL be me. I will conquer my demons. And I will have a better future. I am NOT a victim....I am a warrior, I am a fighter. He may have knocked me down but he never defeated me. He will never defeat me. So hang on to your hats, cause I'm back better than ever!! Come on life I'm ready for you, bring on the future!!

Tags

Domestic Abuse, Domestic Abuse Story, Domestic Violence, Fighter, Fighting Back, Victim

Meet the author

author avatar Empress
I write and have published poetry and was editor of the school newspaper all through highschool. I can write a variety of different genres from articles to novels

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Comments

author avatar Retired
22nd Mar 2014 (#)

Abuse is never right. I too was in an abusive relationship many years ago and lost myself because of my ex's constantly putting me down and the physical abuse left me with many inward scars, the outside wounds have long since healed. It is hard to get oneself back on track but it can be done with patience and determination. I adored this article.

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