Making joint custody work

Carol RoachStarred Page By Carol Roach, 11th Jun 2015 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Family>Divorce

When we think of joint custody we think of a couple divorcing and each parent would have an equal say and equal time with their children. However, this is just a small slice of the picture of joint custody and what it really means.

Divorce Rates

The divorce rate in Montreal is increasing according to StatsCan (Statistic Canada) and the highest amount of divorces tend to occur in the third year of marriage. Over all the rates have tripled within the last three decades. Divorce rates for second marriages are on the rise as well. The divorce rate for second marriages has rise by 15 – 16 percent across Canada.

Common law Union

However, in our society it is not uncommon for couples to have children together yet not marry. In Quebec and Montreal almost 30 percent of couples are living in a common law union. There are often children born into these unions. The stability of these union over all are not as strong as an actual legal marriage. Montreal couples tend to break up more often in a common law relationship.

The children are still affected by the loss of one of the parents if they had been co-habiting together. The situation becomes even more complicated if the parents were unmarried and never lived together.

The recognition of unwed fathers who want to have an equal share in their child's life is becoming more common. Court battles for child support payments and joint custody issues are surfacing quite frequently.

Parental DNA testing

In the state of California, one of the issues that must be submitted in court cases for joint custody rights, is the parental DNA test. California paternity testing is available through designated clinics throughout the states and some companies will actually come to your home to pick up the sample. Once the paternity test which California State requires is out of the way, men can exercise their rights as the father. Then the job of parenting and joint custody begins.

The bottom line is with or without a marriage contract if both parents were active in the child's life before the breakup then they should be equally as active in their child's life afterward. Similarly, if the child is yet to come into the world, the unwed father has a right to participate in that child's life from the beginning, if he is willing to support the child and help provide a happy healthy childhood for the soon to be newborn as well.

Simply guidelines to follow to maintain your child's mental health.

To make this happen maturity is required by both biological parents. The child's needs must always come first.

Simply guidelines to follow to maintain your child's mental health.

The first rule to follow is don't take spiteful or vengeful actions against the other parent at the expense of the child.

Do not use your child as a bargaining chip, for example if the mother does not get the exact amount of child support she is asking for; she refuses to let the child go see the father.

Do not make unfounded excuses for why the child cannot go back to the other parent's home when it is that parent's turn. By the same token to not pull the child away from viewing a ball game with the other parent because it is your turn to take over.

Tips to make joint custody work

Tips to make joint custody work

Set up a workable schedule that both parents can meet. Shared custody rights do not have to mean a 50/50 split especially when the child is of school age and uprooting him or her would mean longer traveling time or even the necessity of being enrolled in two different schools.

Joint custody might mean that weekends and holidays would work better for some parents or alternate weeks with others. Make a schedule that is amenable to both parents. When parents live very far away from each other, six months with each parent, or school months with one parent and summer with the other might have to be the deciding factor. The point is rigid rules need not be enforced which will only put a strain on the ex couple and the children, better to have room for changes as lifestyle changes require regardless of the court order.

Be flexible - Sometimes work, sickness, or other life issues will mean that a decided upon schedule would need to be altered for a certain period of time.

Wherever possible, try not to prevent a child from joining a sport or other activity because that parent does not live close enough to the location of the event or activity.

Work as a team, all decisions about the child's welfare should be decided together and a helpful solution or compromise is obtained with the child's best interest at heart; not for the convenience of one parent over the other.

Don't bad mouth your ex spouse

Do not speak ill of the other parent in front of the child.

A social worker with over 20 years experience, Barbara Hauser maintains, "Parents have no idea how much they are hurting their children when they prime their child to criticize the other parent." Remember no matter how much you may hate your ex, or consider him a bad husband, this is your child's father; or the case can be reversed, this is your child's mother. Your child loves both parents and is already having a hard time with the fact that you are divorcing. Don't add this extra stress.

Reinforce how both parents love the child equally. Do not bring up the other parent's faults, but try to address any concerns the child has. Don't try to one-up the other parent, for example don't say things like, “Oh sure your father takes you on weekends and thinks he is doing great, I have you all the time.”

Never let the child feel that he or she is forbidden to bring up the name of the other parent in your house. Encourage the child to share all aspects of his or her life with you. However, make sure that you are not just pumping the child for information about the parent. Any disclosures the child makes must come naturally by the child and worked out in the most helpful fashion.

Spend as much quality time with the child as you can; talk, play games together, teach your child new skills, do homework together, and do not let the TV or video games become the child's babysitter when he or she is with you.

Things a couple should not do when sharing joint custody

Things a couple should not do when sharing joint custody

Do not play Santa Claus and buy the child's love. Also remember to discipline the child when needed. You do not want to be the good guy while the child's mother is seen as the bad mother or sole disciplinarian. The child should love and respect both parents equally. Also do not undermine the other parent's rules or decisions; try to create the home environments to be as close to the same as possible. Some children adapt easily to change while others have a very hard time of it.

Disadvantages for joint custody

Disadvantages for joint custody

Unfortunately there are disadvantages for children living in two separate homes. When they travel back and forth from one home to another they may not feel at home or secure in either home. That is why trying to make the two homes as similar as possible is important. This is especially true for children who have learning disabilities as they may not be as resilient or as adaptable as other children.

Homework


Homework can become an issue. As hard as both parents try, shifting back and forth from one home to the other may lead to missing homework assignments. It is therefore important to consult with each other to make sure all homework assignments are done.

Also meet the parent night should be attended by both parents if possible. Some ex couples can't stand each other and don't want to meet face to face, even in a public place. Arrange then to have different times assigned for each parent to visit with the teacher. For example if meet the parent night is from 7pm – 9pm, one parent can be there promptly at 7pm, while the other parent only arrives at 8pm after the first parent has left.

Fathers are often unprepared for raising a child on their own. In most cases women still remain the primary caregiver and thus the one with the experience. Fathers may feel unprepared and insecure, however, parenting is a joint responsibility. Do not use “I don't know how” as an excuse to abandon your children. They need you. Ask for help, ask for advice, consult the family doctor, the school guidance counselor, your ex wife, your mother, sister, other parents you know and join a support group in your area if time permits. Good parenting is not gender specific.

Remember in the end you must be civil to each other and respect that regardless of your differences with the ex, you must get along when it comes to the children. If you are having problems communicating as most divorced or separated parents have, consult a mediator, or counsellor who can show you ways of talking with each other that will benefit the children and not end in conflict, screaming, name calling, bullying or totally lack of involvement.


All photos taken from the public domain

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Tags

Child Custody, Child Custody Laws, Children Of Divorce, Divorce, Divorce And The Children, Joint Custody, Joint Custody Does And Dont, Joint Custody Planning, Joint Custody Preparation, Joint Custody Tips, Parenting, Single Parenting

Meet the author

author avatar Carol Roach
Retired therapist and author of two books, freelance writer, newsletter editor, and blogger. I write, health, mental health, women's issues, animal , celebrity, history, and SEO articles.

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Comments

author avatar WOGIAM
13th Jun 2015 (#)

I wish more people would read and abide with the tips you wrote about, nowadays it seems the ex couples are more interested in scoring points than how the children are feeling.

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author avatar Sandra Jason
13th Dec 2015 (#)


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26th Dec 2016 (#)

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10th Sep 2017 (#)

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11th Sep 2017 (#)

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9th Oct 2017 (#)

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21st Dec 2017 (#)

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27th Feb 2019 (#)

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24th Mar 2019 (#)


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24th Mar 2019 (#)



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24th Mar 2019 (#)




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author avatar HOW I WON MY LOTTERY
24th Mar 2019 (#)



I am Elizabeth Diesta by name and I have been playing euro million for many years now and i have never won anything instead I wasted money in buying ticket, on one faithful day, I saw some guys that also play euro million, I heard them discussing how they won 2.8million dollars with the help of DR. OSCAR DILAN I now went where they were seating discussing it, on getting there I excuse one of the guys and asked him about the DR OSCAR DILAN that helped them won 2.8million dollars, he told me everything about DR.OSCAR DILAN and he went further to tell me how he has been helping them and I said within my mind that i'm going to give him a trial although I doubted him and I really contacted him and it worked out for me and I won the sum of 2,000,000 dollars,right now i'm very happy for the good work he has done for me and I promised to share his good work to the whole world, I want to use the opportunity to tell everyone that need his help to contact him on this email: oscardilan68@yahoo.com OR oscardilan68@hotmail.com OR oscardilan68@gmail.com .... YOU CAN USE ANY OF THE EMAILS TO CONTACT HIM .... This man will make you rich and his powers are so powerful... CONTACT HIM NOW: oscardilan68@yahoo.com OR oscardilan68@hotmail.com OR oscardilan68@gmail.com .... YOU CAN USE ANY OF THE EMAILS TO CONTACT HIM...YOU CAN ALSO CALL / ADD HIM UP ON WHATSAPP USING THIS MOBILE NUMBER:+2348077526136

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author avatar PREGNANCY /CHILDBIRTH SPELL
24th Mar 2019 (#)





My name is Tracey Adams, My partner and I have been trying for a baby for over two years now, We were going to a fertility clinic for about 9 months before somebody told us to contact this spell caster who is so powerful, We contacted him at this email; oscardilan68@yahoo.com OR oscardilan68@hotmail.com OR oscardilan68@gmail.com .... YOU CAN USE ANY OF THE EMAILS TO CONTACT HIM , for him to help us, then we told him our problem, he told us that she we either conceive in August 2018 or September 2018,but after two years of trying we were at a point where we were willing to try anything. And I'm glad we came to Dr Oscar Dilan, Because his predictions put us at ease, and I honestly believe him, and his gods really helped us as well, I am thankful for all he has done. If you are in this kind of problem i will advice you to contact him with this email: oscardilan68@yahoo.com OR oscardilan68@hotmail.com OR oscardilan68@gmail.com .... YOU CAN USE ANY OF THE EMAILS TO CONTACT HIM for you to have your own baby in the family....YOU CAN ALSO CALL / ADD HIM UP ON WHATSAPP USING THIS MOBILE NUMBER:+2348077526136

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author avatar LOVE SPELL
24th Mar 2019 (#)



I NEVER BELIEVED IN LOVE SPELLS UNTIL I MET THIS WORLD'S TOP SPELL CASTER. HE IS REALLY POWERFUL AND COULD HELP CAST SPELLS TO BRING BACK ONE'S GONE,LOST,MISBEHAVING LOVER AND MAGIC MONEY SPELL OR SPELL FOR A GOOD JOB.I'M NOW HAPPY & A LIVING TESTIMONY COS THE WOMAN I HAD WANTED TO MARRY LEFT ME 2 WEEKS BEFORE OUR WEDDING AND MY LIFE WAS UPSIDE DOWN COS OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN ON FOR 2YEARS... I REALLY LOVED HIM, BUT HIS MOTHER WAS AGAINST US AND HE HAD NO GOOD PAYING JOB. SO WHEN I MET THIS SPELL CASTER, I TOLD HIM WHAT HAPPENED AND EXPLAINED THE SITUATION OF THINGS TO HIM..AT FIRST I WAS UNDECIDED,SKEPTICAL AND DOUBTFUL, BUT I JUST GAVE IT A TRY. AND IN 7 DAYS WHEN I RETURNED TO USA, MY GIRLFRIEND(NOW WIFE) CALLED ME BY HERSELF AND CAME TO ME APOLOGIZING THAT EVERYTHING HAD BEEN SETTLED WITH HIS MOM AND FAMILY AND SHE GOT A NEW JOB INTERVIEW SO WE SHOULD GET MARRIED..I DIDN'T BELIEVE IT COS THE SPELL CASTER ONLY ASKED FOR MY NAME AND MY GIRLFRIENDS NAME AND ALL I WANTED HIM TO DO... WELL WE ARE HAPPILY MARRIED NOW AND WE ARE EXPECTING OUR LITTLE KID,AND MY WIFE ALSO GOT THE NEW JOB AND OUR LIVES BECAME MUCH BETTER. IN CASE ANYONE NEEDS THE SPELL CASTER FOR SOME HELP, HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS; oscardilan68@yahoo.com OR oscardilan68@hotmail.com OR oscardilan68@gmail.com .... YOU CAN USE ANY OF THE EMAILS TO CONTACT HIM. ......HOPE HE HELPS YOU OUT OUR OPPORTUNITY ... CONTACT THIS GREAT SPELL CASTER VIA EMAIL: oscardilan68@yahoo.com OR oscardilan68@hotmail.com OR oscardilan68@gmail.com .... YOU CAN USE ANY OF THE EMAILS TO CONTACT HIM.....YOU CAN ALSO CALL / ADD HIM UP ON WHATSAPP USING THIS MOBILE NUMBER:+2348077526136

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