Losing Battles

Lady Jane Abella By Lady Jane Abella, 19th Jul 2016 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/icuxvq3e/
Posted in Wikinut>Family>Bereavement

Losing something in life is never easy. Whether its health; job, house, dreams or the most painful thing, losing a loved ones. Everybody has to go through this in life yet not all has a courage to go on and go through each dreary day. I have my dose of it and I'm mustering every once of courage I have to go through it.

Rejection

I was excited to face 2016 with a blast knowing that at the turn of the year, a new job is waiting for me. I have anticipated it to be worth the wait since it is a new account and a new beginning and a new chance to learn something new, an additional experience. The first day or rather the first night if I must say, felt as if I was walking in clouds, elated and overwhelmed with the thoughts of giving my family the kind of life they deserved. Too elated in the prospect of to meeting new faces that eventually will turn to friends in the end. Yet, sometimes, we encounter people that cannot totally embrace our own existence because our principles doesn't conform with the ways of the world. I was never the one to force my way into other peoples' lives, in fact, I have succumbed to the idea that instead of putting this as a negative energy, I'd rather take this as a challenge to prove my worth. I took each day with careful baby steps, fearing that if I would take things in stride the result will be opposite the the things that I have anticipated. Yes, I have lost any amount of confidence that I have taken with me when I first step into that room. The room where I would thought I would find great things turns into a madness that I could not quite clearly fathom. It seems that I have to muster each day with courage that I could not hold onto. I became silent; withdrawn, busying myself with reading rather than interacting because I felt that i was being forced to face the wall. No one to turn to in times of confusions and in times when I needed an answer. It's hard to be surrounded by people but feels alone at the same time, unusual in such working place where interactions is easy and people are supposed to be approachable, yet I have known it in span of two months. People may find it odd; one might say that it is just an outcome of being bitter after losing something, right? But I will say that it is not the fruit of that bitterness, rather another victory of holding on to the same principles of being true to one self; honesty and being withstanding every humiliation that I have tasted while being there. I have stayed where others have fled; I have firmly stood up, where other people crumbled, and I have faced defeat, where others would have surrendered. I have stayed until the last day, knowing that at the end of the night, it is the end of my journey with them. I took each calls with happiness, knowing that each call will be the last time that I am rendering my service, I have given what was asked of me and given my best all through out. When graduation came, I am expecting my name will be called because I know my fate was written even before it begun. Armed with the thoughts that rejections also means redirection..

Danger Zone

Come May, Presidential Election will be held in our country. The air was filled with curious silence, no festive moods, no loud campaigns but you know at the back of your mind, danger is also lurking at the corner. Just bidding its time until it's time to come out. We do not a television set in our house, as we are completely relying on the internet to get news and updates. We have this one television/radio program that we really like and we are avidly following it in the internet. Every waking hours of each day while doing rags for a living, me and my husband whenever he is at our house would watch videos and updates regarding the election, simply because the internet media is more honest than the hoax that most television channels in the country are trying to impose. Thus, they are being held reliable for spreading biased information just to campaign for their favorite candidates. The battle between a grandson of a past president and a unknown Mayor from the south with insufficient money to campaign for his candidature begins. While the other party is busy spending their campaign funds, Duterte was relying on people to campaign for him, the support was overwhelming that even I who does not believe that his ways are not the answer to our countries problem are persuade to seek answer and to learn about the man. In the internet, I found videos posted by the people who really know him; people he had helped while in service, from people who are patiently campaigning for him even when they are not being paid to do so and on how Davao had progressed during his tenure. The man from Davao had won the heart of 16 million plus voters. Everywhere he goes, the crowd was there, loud; warm and welcoming him with such force and thirst for change that leaves me in awe each time. I am rooting for another candidate, a woman of aged but a fountain of knowledge. I know in my heart that if Duterte did not ran for the office, this lady will have a chance but even so, I am still willing to give my vote to her. But what changed my mind?

On that fateful morning of April 28. 6 days after I turned 41, a violence had occur in our own domain. Where we are supposed to feel safe and away from danger. On the night of 27th of April, we are watching videos and we have watched debates of the vice-presidential candidates while I was cooking dinner and came across this video of our favorite show anchored by Mr. Mon Tulfo. Giving out his analyst on a video of an interview done with one of the Presidential candidates that went viral regarding rampant drugs circulating in Davao and Makati. I don't know if it is caused by his intention to mud slings the other candidates that made him said that there is drugs in that mentioned areas and that if the interviewee wants he knows where to get it and that they can buy it there. It caused a lot of controversies since he was once served as our DILG (Department of Interior and Local Government) secretary and was supposed to be responsible in arresting this Drug Lords back then. It made a lot of people curious and mad at the same time and as of me? He was also involved in the controversies of the lost Yolanda funds donated by a lot of countries. Yolanda was internationally named Typhoon Haiyan, if you could remember it, a typhoon that destroyed Tacloban and nearby provinces. An additional reason for me to really not vote for him. Going back to the incident, since youtube is on autoplay, the next video was an interview of Duterte regarding the upcoming election. A neighbor expressed his disgust upon hearing Dutertes' voice. Saying that Duterte was a plaunderer and a murder, my husband and I was just silent knowing that it is his right to express his opinion no matter if it is right or wrong. I went to sleep after our dinner and was awakened by a raised voice. I got up and asked my husband what had happened and he said that our neighbor was verbally attacking us and screaming things that are not true. So, he went out and asked the man if there's a problem but seeing him drunk and wasted, told him that they will speak tomorrow when he is somber. I told the man to let it pass and go to sleep and that whatever the problem is we will talk it over in the morning. He was persistent and he was banging the division in our room, We were trying to pacify him knowing that he was in the right mind. When my husband told him that he will call the authority, the man said, " go on and pack your things and leave" . We are renting in his sisters' compound and the only partition between him and us is just a thin plywood. When my husband saw that he was kicking the wall and it is going to give in, he went outside and went to our Barangay. hall to seek for assistance. Everything went silent, so I thought this person also went out and followed my husband. So, I went to wall to see the damage and temporarily fix it until he spoke and said that we should leave right there and then. I told him to stop and asked what is his problem with us. We have been renting there for a year and seven months with no problem. It has agreed upon that we will use the deposit and the down that we had paid and we need to move to another house since the house we are renting is going to be pawned as their need for money had arise. Both, for the hospitalization of his sisters' husband and for the upcoming civil board examination of her elder son. This person does not know anything of the said agreed agreement, only knowing that we are just simply not paying the rent. I was in front of the wall when he kicked it twice and it finally gave in. It hit me in the feet and was got bruised, told him to stop and that he had hurt me. I took a step backward when he had forced his way in the house that time. He pushed me and the electric fan had tumbled. I tried to get out of the room and he pushed me again, and pointed his finger at me, telling me that I was lying. I pushed his hands and pointed my feet. I looked at him and saw that he was pale though he claims that he was drunk that time. He swing his arms and attempted many times to punch him but I dodged from it until we reached the back door. I pushed him attempting to stop him from attacking me but another punch finally landed in my shoulder blade and another in the nape of my neck which caused head to hit the door frame right there and then, I felt that he was intending to kill me. A gush of cold water rushed into me when I saw the blood in my head and a mounting anger at the same time. I tried to calm myself and closed my eyes for a moment and was decided to fight back when I heard my husbands' and the Barangay police officer voices telling him to stop as he was attempting to hurt me again. When we are in the barangay hall and a confrontation talks begin, he was talking so much; raising that are not real and was not true. Falsifying facts and giving out wrong statements. Funny how when things were happening, people who are supposed to stop him was no where insight but when we are in the hall they were there and listening. The barangay counselor advised me to dress up and go to the nearest hospital since the wound was deep and was bleeding. I went to the nearest clinic but there was no medico legal available. The next hospital gave me first aid but the medico legal will be available in the morning and I could not afford the fee. The third hospital was too far away and I need to endure the transportation and the pain that I am staring to feel that time.

Upon reaching the hospital, I was advised to call the police which I have declined at the moment, since i know that the statement that we're not fully given and my sole intention at that time is to get my wound attended. They advised me to go through x-ray and that my wounds needs stitching. Having a phobia with needles gives me the chill and the fear that my money will never be enough but what can I do at a situation like this? We went out of the ER to look for the supplies but could not find the exact needle that was needed. We went home feeling tired and my wound not stitched. I e-mailed my siblings and told them what had happened, took the pictures of the traces of blood and the top that I was wearing that time. My sibling helped me and we went out to look for the needle that was needed and it cost a lot and believe me it was not easy to find. We went straight to the hospital and finally it was done. Until now the perpetrator is at large and the case is still on going in the Barangay. He did not even served a day in the cell. Ironic, but this things are happening.

Loss of a loved one

They say that lightning strike three times, I lost a job last February, was attacked last April, and now another thing happened to our family. Last June, we lost our uncle, my mothers' elder brother. I was abashed when I heard the news, could not believe it at first. Actually, I read the message that I have received twice just to make sure that I was reading it right. Since I was the eldest, the task to tell it to my mother was appointed to me and I was lost for words, not knowing how to tell her. I thought since it was not new to me, I can contain the sadness that I am feeling, the wake was casual, only our family was there, it was filled with thoughts of the antics and anecdotes of the past, of childhood memories that was momentarily forgotten. Yet when the time to bury him came, I lost it all. I felt like crumbling, the incident that happened had finally dawned and the rush of tears like a flooded gate. I just stood there overwhelmed by loneliness and pain. I cannot fathom the idea since though we are close when I was a kid, I also admit that there was a lot of lost years in between. I anticipated that I can handle the situation but there it was the pain was evident as the sun rises each day.

Days had passed and problems seems to come each time we are done with one. My life is in a roller coaster ride now, rising and falling but I have learned to take them one at a time. I must say that I have learned a lot and I have learned it the hard way.

Tags

Bereavement, Depression, Dream Interpretation, Dreams, Losing Loved Ones, Losing Tooth

Meet the author

author avatar Lady Jane Abella
A person who loves to read and write.I love to express & share my thoughts from things that i have learned. Hoping to touch other peoples' heart, give them hope and show them that life is so beautiful

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