How To Avoid Domestic Violence and Stay Safe

Connie McKinneyStarred Page By Connie McKinney, 12th Oct 2013 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/3w5lt5oh/
Posted in Wikinut>Family>Domestic Violence & Abuse

He seemed so sweet and charming but he was hiding a dark secret. He was my brother-in-law and a violent, abusive husband to my sister. Read on to learn from my story and help avoid domestic violence in your family.

Domestic Violence Can Happen to Anyone

He was a quiet, shy guy who seemed so nice. He became my brother-in-law after he married one of my sisters. We all thought she had hit the jackpot in terms of relationships but we were wrong. He attacked her, and her injuries landed her in the emergency room. She recovered and divorced him.
I'm sharing my story in the hopes it may help another family avoid domestic violence. This incident happened several years ago but still is relevant today. ]October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month - a good time to focus on this problem which affects an estimated one in four women.
One of the most important lessons to learn is that domestic violence can happen to anyone. This problem doesn't discriminate in terms of race, nationality, class or income. It can happen to even middle class, average people such as my family.
Here is a brief overview of some signs to look for:

Be Wary of Fast Moving Relationships


My sister met her future husband in July. He proposed over Labor Day weekend. We thought it was wonderful, and so did she. Little did we know that relationships which progress quickly are a classic warning sign of domestic violence. The abuser wants to move quickly and wants to control the relationship.
Be wary if your relationship is progressing too fast. Instead, take it slow and get to know him better. A year is usually long enough to get to know somebody but take more time if you need to.

Don't Let Him Isolate You


Abusers tend to isolate their victims from family and friends. My ex-brother-in-law did this. Slowly but gradually, he kept her away from her family and friends. There was always some excuse.
There is always room in a healthy relationship for family and friends. Your partner should not object to phone calls, e-mails or visits to and from family and friends.
Keep an eye on how he reacts to his family and to your family. Does he have a close relationship with his own family? If so, this is a good sign. But if he has little or no contact with his family, be wary. He may have been abusive toward them.

Watch Out For Anger and Alcohol


Watch out for a guy who angers easily and is impatient. He may have difficulty controlling his anger and his impulses. If he always seems to be one step away from anger, be careful.
Anger is a normal emotion. Everybody gets angry sometimes. However, abusers may not express anger properly. Yelling excessively, hitting and breaking objects are not acceptable ways to express anger.
Unfortunately, we didn't know this back when my sister was dating her now ex-husband. Looking back, he was impatient and easily angered. He never broke anything or hit anyone in our presence but it didn't take much to anger him.
Contrary to popular belief, alcohol does not directly cause domestic violence. But it may be a contributing factor because alcohol lowers inhibitions. My ex-brother-in-law was a violent alcoholic. He would strike my sister when sober and escalate the violence when he drank.
When dating, watch his alcohol intake. If he is a guy who cannot get through a meal without a glass of beer, he may have an alcohol problem. I wish we had noticed this about my ex-brother-in-law. He always had to have a beer no matter what he was doing. He also had a prior driving while intoxicated arrest - a huge red flag.

Where to Get Help


There is no shame in seeking help. My sister tells me she wishes she had gotten help sooner. She spent a few days in the local domestic violence shelter. Her husband was arrested, and an order of protection was issued against him. She cut off all communication with him after her divorce. She was lucky enough to survive this ordeal but many victims don't.
If you know someone who you suspect is a victim of domestic violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or go online Remember, it could happen to any family but help is available.

I wrote this article on dating which contains some tips on how to screen for domestic violence and what to look for in dates

Attribution


The video came from You Tube.
The photos came from Morguefile.
I wrote this article based on my experiences with my sister and her violent ex-husband.

moderator Peter B. Giblett moderated this page.
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Comments

author avatar MarilynDavisatTIERS
12th Oct 2013 (#)

Good AFternoon, Connie. I am relieved that your sister got out. As you point out, many victims of domestic violence do not. Thank you for all the information on classic red flags and for linking to help. ~Marilyn

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author avatar Connie McKinney
12th Oct 2013 (#)

Hi Marilyn. It was an awful experience but I learned a lot. I'm glad I can share my experience and hopefully spare someone else from this terrible issue.

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author avatar Stella Mitchell
12th Oct 2013 (#)

A well deserved star page Connie . I'm sorry your sister went through such a bad experience , I pray she is okay now .
God bless you
Stella ><

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author avatar Lady Aiyanna
12th Oct 2013 (#)

I am a victim of Domestic Violence and have faced various trials and tribulations because of Domestic Violence. It is not always alcohol but at times family interference wherein the mother may tell the son that the wife is not good enough (Like in my case) , not of the same religion etc. It is also when friends talk that a slap or two will do them good to bring them to place. They did this to my husband and of course the other and most important AFFAIRS which are usually common when the wife is in another town (happened to me and the last time it did, I just told him stay where he was and live apart till date), just given birth etc.
A simple like no sex can cause violence and honestly, I endured 13 years of it and still do from a distance.
Here is a fact from a diary of a victim: You dislike men for relationships, don't want to go anywhere near copulating, worry about kids and keep them safe at all times. Monitor and check just everything, become very shrewd, calculative and observant and leave no stone unturned, walk with your travel documents everywhere and erase traces so that you are kept safe.

Its exactly like the movies Sleeping With the Enemy and Enough wherein even a calm gentle person can become the most violent aggressor to save their lives and its more so when you have a child (my own experience).

I have never used martial arts against a person but when I did, I knew I asked for forgiveness from my grandmaster and the One Above as martial arts is all about staying calm and focussed.

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author avatar Connie McKinney
12th Oct 2013 (#)

Thanks for your kind thoughts, Stella. She has recovered as well as can be hoped for. She has not remarried though. I keep hoping she'll find a nice guy some day.

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author avatar Lady Aiyanna
12th Oct 2013 (#)

Who I am today is my Coming out the Closet (in today's perverted world it means homosexuality but not to me) to show the world the true essence of who and what I really am, met with resistance but guess what, its essentially me and I have to do what it takes to bring up my child, even if it means keeping him in a safehouse far away from Me as I bring in money to live. I have done this and am not afraid to say it.
Excessive anger causes a person to lose their mental balance too. Other triggers include Schizophrenia and other mental ailments that can induce violence not necessarily what is mentioned above. This is the category my husband belongs to apart from ill-willed family member advising against the wife.

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author avatar Phyl Campbell
13th Oct 2013 (#)

I, too, hope she finds someone who can help her be happy with herself. Great job, share, and star, Connie!

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author avatar Randhir Bechoo
13th Oct 2013 (#)

Interesting article.

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author avatar Connie McKinney
13th Oct 2013 (#)

Thanks, Phyl, for the comments and support.

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author avatar Connie McKinney
13th Oct 2013 (#)

Thanks, Randhir, for your comments.

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author avatar cnwriter..carolina
13th Oct 2013 (#)

most interesting Connie..much light to your sister and you...

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author avatar Connie McKinney
14th Oct 2013 (#)

Thanks for the kind words, Carolina.

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author avatar Fern Mc Costigan
14th Oct 2013 (#)

Interesting post! Very well always give a lot of hope to your sisters that the past stays in teh past and theres a new begining as well new begining and a present to make a wonderful future!

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author avatar Retired
14th Oct 2013 (#)

I have a ministry in this area. (Go fugure.) I wrote a book about it and have had it with an editor who got sick. I am now thinking of putting it onliine instead as self published books really only work for most of us to give to people. I am looking at where the best place to put it would be.

It is important, Connie, to speak up. My marriage did not look like the stereotype..two graduates, from good families.........If someone had listened to me early on who knows, but things would be different now. I am glad to serve and help others, but would never have wanted things to go the way they did for me and the impact it had on my children.

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author avatar Mariah
14th Oct 2013 (#)

Bravely done Connie, writing so openly about your sister's painful experience, so glad she found the strength to leave him.
I hope anyone reading this page who may be in a similar position takes strength from it
and does likewise.

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author avatar Connie McKinney
14th Oct 2013 (#)

Fern, thanks for such good advice. You are so right.

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author avatar Connie McKinney
14th Oct 2013 (#)

Jackalyn Ann, thanks for your comments. Sorry to hear of your experience. It's wonderful that you are using your experiences to help others in your ministry. Re the book: do you read Phyl Campbell's work on here ? She has had books published and may be able to give you some advice.

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author avatar Connie McKinney
14th Oct 2013 (#)

Mariah, I hope the same. It's hard to leave these situations. Thanks for your comments.

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author avatar Sivaramakrishnan A
14th Oct 2013 (#)

Thanks for the frank share, Connie. Domestic violence in Asia was treated as a shame and kept a secret but slowly it is coming out to the open and the culprits held to account for the misdeeds. Alcohol is the main issue for the men to become violent and abusive towards even young children - siva

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author avatar Delicia Powers
14th Oct 2013 (#)

outstanding advice....thank you Connie...

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author avatar Connie McKinney
15th Oct 2013 (#)

Siva, so glad to hear that attitudes are changing in Asia. I'm glad to hear men are being held accountable finally.

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author avatar Connie McKinney
15th Oct 2013 (#)

Thanks, Delicia, for your comments and support.

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author avatar Carol
15th Oct 2013 (#)

What a brave share this is about a very painful subject. I have experienced somewhat myself, being controlled and roughly treated, and it can destroy all your spirit and self confidence. It was years ago, and I am in a happy place now. I am glad your sister got out, it takes courage to do that, especially if you have children as I did. I hope one day she will be able to move on.

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author avatar Connie McKinney
15th Oct 2013 (#)

Thanks, Carol, for your comments. So glad that you got out of a bad situation. It's not easy to move on but it can be done.

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