Enough! No more!!!!

Vartika By Vartika, 8th Sep 2012 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/1gdb0cxo/
Posted in Wikinut>Family>Relationships

In this jet age we look for instant gratification and what gets sacrificed on the altar is relationships....lets slow down and shield what is precious.

Divorce

I see broken marriages all around me. It’s a disturbing trend.

Some years back, at least in this part of the world, divorce was a taboo. Now, an accepted way of life. More true for urban India than its rural counterparts.

While unhappy marriages have been there since the time marriage took birth, the rate of divorces have definitely gone up in any part of the world. Some places might have more acceptance than others, but nevertheless, it is on the rise.

Modern day marriage

Just the other day I read a joke which went like this…a “happy couple” was asked the secret of their happy wedded life and they said, it was simple..that they took two outings in a week. She on Tuesdays and he on Fridays. Well, that pretty much summarizes the truth of modern day marriages. Even if this might be an exaggeration, the fact is that never before have we demanded more “me” time, more “space. What amuses me is that we married because we needed someone to share our lives with and here we are, itching every moment to be lonely, to be alone, to be away from each other.

Whenever I hear of a divorce, I am forced to think what leads couples to decide that they cannot live together and believe that they can find happiness beyond the relationship. Is it boredom, the proverbial seven year itch (now 2) is it intolerance, or plain incompatibility.

It is not that every marriage that has survived today would have started off being as beautiful as we would have liked it to be. It is not always the picture of happiness that we would have painted when we took our wedding vows. But where do we draw the line, when do we say enough, no more!

Weddings


Has marriage become more of an experience to be had in one’s life or is it the sacred institution that our parents demonstrated to us. There is a lot of excitement about the prospect of shopping, having a new wardrobe, new jewelry and all the revelry that accompanies a typical pompous wedding, Indian or Western. It has become more about lavishness, unabashed display of wealth and one-upmanship in every aspect of wedding dos. Exotic is the word…..right from invitations, trousseau, location, reception, honeymoon destination, etc. Sometimes the attendees spend more on their own clothes and accessories than the wedding couple themselves. And we are not talking of celebrity weddings here. I am talking of the ever growing middle class of society, who struggle to keep up with the Joneses. We have a whole new meaning to the word, wedding. The gravity has shifted from the divinity of the institution to the paraphernalia of the event. I wonder if today’s generation is aware of the responsibilities that come with wedding and the change that they need to embrace to make a marriage work, let alone “and they lived happily ever after” ending.

Change

Change is the way of life for the young, when it comes to gadgets, lifestyle, vacations, and sadly: partners too. The thought of changing themselves is perhaps scary and unfathomable for them. And marriage demands change…. a lot of it. From the way we do our daily chores, to the way we perceive money, to the way we deal with relationships, to something as simple as sharing a room. While all this might sound easy, we all know how difficult it is. How unsettling is the thought of the presence of someone in your life 24/7, how difficult it is for a woman to embrace a new home, a new set of parents and a new style of living. It is not any easier for men too.

Reasons for divorce

The reasons for divorce have been well documented over the years (money, breakdown in communication, incompatibility – physical and mental, abuse - mental or physical, infidelity, etc.). They could be slightly different in different parts of the world. In India, the general tendency is to find fault with the women for the sad ending. Some might attribute this trend to the emancipation and financial independence of women, who want to assert themselves in every aspect of life. I beg to differ. Had this been true, we would not find Indira Nooyi’s, Mary Coms, Sonia Gandhi’s and their likes. These women have broken many a glass ceiling and without having to break their relationships. So, empowering women cannot be at the root of divorces. It has to be something deeper.

The aftermath of divorce

I might have wandered from our subject a little. Probably the feminist in me took over.

Coming back, whatever the reasons, divorces might be an easy way out of an unhappy relationship but does it guarantee happiness? I guess no.

It leaves you with a lot of pain, sad memories, guilt, trauma, questions our own ability to give & receive love and above all, your judgement. It scars your psyche for ever. Children who have witnessed separation at any age are the worst sufferers. We impair their ability to trust relationships... they form impermeable walls around them to the love they might have otherwise experienced. They make poor judges of people and might view any relationship, personal or professional, with a lot of apprehension. We take away their innocence & childhood and make them mature before time. This has repercussions not only on this generation but also on the next generation and the society that they will collectively form. While change is inevitable, we desire it to be positive.

Salvage

Since marriage takes place between two individuals - two different personalities, there are bound to be conflicts. I believe we could make most marriages work with a little more patience to deal with the initial pain of adjustment, more endurance, a healthy dose of trust and the willingness to chew our egos once in a while to give the relation our best. Easier said than done, I know. The idea is to realize that there could be a way to salvage the relation. Seek professional help, confide in your parents, trust your close common friends to help, do whatever it takes, but save your relationships. Lest you repent.

Marriage, to me, is a commitment, an effort to understand each other, a bond which has no “exit” clause, a companionship for life and the happiness that follows is the fruit of your labour of love.

Let’s try to find our best friend in our partner with whom we can laugh & cry and see the sunset of our lives in the comfort of the knowledge that we have made friends for beyond life too.

Much against my sagacious senses, the eternal optimist in me wishes that the sanctity of marriage is maintained, its rightful place in the society is restored, and we see more happy couples around us rather than those displaying just public affection.

Tags

Communication Problems, Compatibility, Divorce, Marriage Problems, Relationships, Wishful Thinking

Meet the author

author avatar Vartika
A self-employed professional...I enjoy studying and analyzing human behavior.
Also find my writings
at Expertscolumn.com

Share this page

moderator johnnydod moderated this page.
If you have any complaints about this content, please let us know

Comments

author avatar Kena Shah
8th Sep 2012 (#)

Every word in this article is so true.... This is apparently for our generation, the "fast - track, no compromising" generation. In a nutshell it says that if one has respect, love, patience and understanding everything else can be taken care of...

Reply to this comment

author avatar Vartika
8th Sep 2012 (#)

thanks for the kind words Kena. I appreciate your time..

Reply to this comment

author avatar jkalwaye
8th Sep 2012 (#)

A detailed study of a serious matter .very nice to read .jk

Reply to this comment

author avatar Vartika
8th Sep 2012 (#)

Thank you..your comment will work magic on my will to write on such subjects

Reply to this comment

author avatar A K Rao
8th Sep 2012 (#)

I think it is more to do with Global awareness and knowing about the human rights, style of living and other social aspects of life prevailing all over the World! Today nobody wants to sacrific anything in their lives! For them success in life is personal/ individual success! I am talking in general,applicable to both the genders! Nicely attempted article! Thanks !

Reply to this comment

author avatar Vartika
8th Sep 2012 (#)

Thanks for going through it Mr. Rao. I totally agree with your viewpoint. What concerns me is the fragility of human relationships today and the society that will take shape with these broken chords. Rights always come with duties but when our view is lopsided, all we can think of are my rights, my needs, and my ego. Where is the one-ness of "we". In our changing world, have we not rendered marriage redundant?

Reply to this comment

author avatar neeta desai
10th Sep 2012 (#)

very nice and thorough... In today's life "I" has become more important then "WE"

Reply to this comment

author avatar Sivaramakrishnan A
11th Sep 2012 (#)

Very well analysed, Vartika. Nowadays, people are unwilling to give an inch. Hire and fire extends to family lives too! And when both parties are unwilling to compromise on their careers, it becomes tough going! The worst suffererers are the children who are caught in between - siva

Reply to this comment

author avatar Vartika
11th Sep 2012 (#)

Thank you for the kind words Mr. Siva. yes, we have become an uncompromising lot.

Reply to this comment

author avatar rajasekhar
7th Oct 2012 (#)

nice post

Reply to this comment

author avatar Judy Ellen
28th Nov 2012 (#)

Great article. I think one of the biggest problems is pornography and the growing disrespect for marriage over all. Folks think that living together first is the solution. However, statistically that is proven to be a lie. Thanks for sharing!

Reply to this comment

author avatar Judy Ellen
28th Nov 2012 (#)

All I know is my own experience. I had one husband leave me for another man and another leave me for another woman!

Reply to this comment

Add a comment
Username
Can't login?
Password