Dealing with conflict and anger in family & society

spiritedStarred Page By spirited, 23rd Mar 2014 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Family>Relationships

This article is one about how to handle conflict.

It takes you through the various aspects of how this might develop, and it portends, or points out, that such conflict nearly always arises because one of the parties to that conflict has become angry in some way, or another.

Anger is the primary cause of most conflicts

Some people seem to carry a short fuse. They are quick to vent their anger. They have a nasty temper. Some people are just reactionary time bombs waiting to go off, as soon as some situation, or other person, "causes" them to light their fuse.

The angry person never usually owns their own anger.

Anger is usually seen to be a type of defence against feelings of insecurity, or inadequacy. The person getting angry does not know what else to do. They think that their anger will control the situation for them.

Anger usually though does not explode when it does without something going on behind it.

Anger often has a background to it.

The person might be seething underneath their outer more pleasant disposition, before the anger then explodes "uncontrollably" out through them.

The angry person has been often previously experiencing a slow build up of frustration, or a feeling of not being able to cope satisfactorily, or they are feeling out of place, or even lost.

All of this might create a sort of building up of inner resentment, from this feeling that they are losing themselves in this situation. They might feel pressured, as if they are being forced into a way that they do not want to go in.

They might feel overwhelmed, or experience a sense being their overtaken by the other person in ways that they perceive are casing friction and disharmony in their own psyche. In short, they feel threatened.

Someone who snaps, has probably been at breaking point for a quite a while. They have been living within a pressure cooker of emotion where they have felt like that they were slowly being cooked or squeezed into a corner where they feel trapped.

Section summary:

Anger is the tip of an iceberg, that has been being constructed for quite a while beforehand.

The answer is never to return anger with anger

Verbal communication skills require a level of self control. When one party stays in control, a peaceful resolution is then more likely to be possible.

Good communication engenders cooperation, and fosters connection, rather than further disconnection.

Funnily enough this is really all about love, or a feeling of a lack of love, or not being loved. Someone who feels deeply loved, cannot get angry.

Love is always patient, calm, and cool. It tries to understand the other person's viewpoint, even if it is a temporarily distorted one, for now. It does not try to force their viewpoint to change. It begins from accepting where the other person is currently at.

Conflict is caused by someone feeling intimidated by another person. If they feel cornered, they will often use anger to build a false strength within themselves in order for them to start a fight.

Most of these types of people are too big in their heads, because of drugs, or alcohol.

This stops them from walking away. They do not want to step down, and look small again to others. Drugs, alcohol, violence in their speech, or way of talking inflates their own ego, and their sense of self importance.

Section Summary:

Remember, being understanding is not about being patronising. It is about loving the other person. Real understanding can only ever come from this love.

A few useful pointers that will bring calm into a storm

# Never raise your own voice or yell at the other person, or persons involved.

# Maintain eye contact.

This shows them that you are not afraid, or weak. Love is calm, but stays in contact with others in an assertive way. Love is never demeaning. Love must keep being itself, and it does not step back from being itself within any situation. Love has no fear in being itself at all times.

# Try to remain peaceful in your body language too.

Do not point your finger at them for instance. Do not clench your fists at your sides. Keep your hands open.

Do not get too close to the other person either. This too can be threatening to them. Do not cross your arms on your chest, or place your hands on your hips, or your thumbs in your belt. Even standing with your feet too far apart is a sign that you are ready for combat.

# Try to keep the conversation non-confrontational.

Keep talking to the person concerned. Do not become distracted, and look away to talk to another person. Be with this person fully. This too is an aspect of love. Love is always totally there and present with the other person.

# Use neutral words. Do not use negative words, or aggressive words. Neutral words are credible. They have not been embellished with emotion.

Listen honestly. Speak clearly. Check understanding. Don't give too strong an opinion of your own, but just the same do not take on their opinion either by placating and siding with them.

Be yourself, and stand firm in the being, but do not step on their toes to do so. Conflict often results from rebellion to what is. You should accept the exactly facts as they are.

Do not exaggerate anything. On the other hand, realise that we are all different. Sometimes not accepting this difference from a neutral standpoint creates conflict.

Love sees things in different ways. No one way of seeing is ever forced onto another person.

Unbalanced viewing from only one direction never allows you to see more than the one aspect of a situation through this tunnelled vision outlook.

Section Summary:

Always look for the bigger picture. This allows you to see all at once from your seeing it from all of life's introspectively different angles.

Love is never a part of the conflict, if it is, it is not real love

Love connects, conflict drags the connected apart. Anger tries to rejoin them, but in a way that keeps them further apart, or even breaks the pieces up.

Conflict must be avoided, and to achieve this allow love to peacefully exude its reality from you at all times. Nobody can ever fight against the power of such a love.

"In any conflict, truth is the first casualty."

This is my own adaption of the Greek playwright Aeschylus's (525 BC to 456 BC) saying
about war.

"In war, truth is the first casualty."


Anger, Anger Within Families, Conflict, Conflict In Families

Meet the author

author avatar spirited
I have been interested in the spiritual fields for over thirty five years now. My writing is mostly in this area.

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author avatar cnwriter..carolina
24th Mar 2014 (#)

so much wisdom here ...thank you spirited...

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author avatar Lady Aiyanna
24th Mar 2014 (#)

Anger, its a choice!!! Thank you for teaching SINwriter what it is all about....

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author avatar spirited
24th Mar 2014 (#)

thanks for your appreciative comment carolina

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author avatar spirited
24th Mar 2014 (#)

anger is a choice as is most everything else too.

thanks for commenting Lady Aiyanna

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author avatar Fern Mc Costigan
24th Mar 2014 (#)

Wonderful piece and interesting one, too!

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author avatar Jerry Walch
24th Mar 2014 (#)

A very informative article, Spirited.

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author avatar spirited
24th Mar 2014 (#)

thanks Fern

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author avatar spirited
24th Mar 2014 (#)

thanks Jerry

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author avatar Wright
9th Dec 2014 (#)

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