Biblical Psychology IV: The Attraction and The Love combined

Funom Makama By Funom Makama, 18th Feb 2012 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Family>Relationships

Through 3 episodes, we have talked about Love, its stages, how it is categorized and the characteristics of each of its stages. As we already know, its stages are firstly the attraction and then Love itself. Now let's combine the two and see what we can learn.

Introduction.

From the previous series, we said the attraction is the first stage to love, it is just a mere feeling, acting superficial, especially on our hormones. Its products are usually physical (hugging, kissing, romance, sex etc), it never reaches the heart and never ends in an individual. Most importantly, can be exhibited in various forms such as Lust, admiration, likeness, crush, and even as far as obsession.

On the other hand Love is deeper than a mere feeling, it is a personality itself and its product is a soul-to-soul relationship between the parties involved. It is a never ending process which needs parties involved to work for its establishment. We finally brought out some interesting points that on a general note, Men exhibit the attraction more whereas women easily fall into the Love stage (they do not last long in the attraction stage). If you have not gone through the previous series then be rest assured to have missed a lot. Notwithstanding, you can click on the links here to digest them, then come back to better assimilate yet another intriguing issue in this series.
1. Biblical Love psychology
2. Biblical Love Psychology II
3. Biblical Love Psychology III

Let's Begin

1. We have already noted that the attraction is the first step to Love, but it is NEVER enough. The attraction is independent of love and until the person reaches the Love stage, it is just a mere feeling. There must be the soul-to-soul union or connection for Love to be established and in as much as the attraction brings the platform to achieve this soul-to-soul union, it isn't the factor of such a deep Union. Let's take a biblical passage:
Isaiah 49:15: "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!"

Remember that in the various categories of Love, we said there is always the first attraction asides the Agape Love. And in the Storge (familial Love) the attraction there is the blood. From this passage, we have seen axiomatically that the connection here is the blood, between the mother and the child and the passage made emphasis on the fact that it would be very difficult for a Mother not to show compassion on a child she bore. What is the next statement? "Though she may forget"-Is this not happening in our society today? In this context, the blood attraction is not even enough for the mother to show compassion to this child of hers.

This applies to any real-life situation: for the fact someone likes you does not mean the person will love you later (irrespective of the kind of Love), why? The likeness is not enough, for love to be established, you have to come a little closer to know each other and establish that soul to soul Union.

2. This particular point is a little dicey, but I will do my best to explain it explicitly. We have said time and time again that the first step to Love is the attraction. This point is stressing out the fact that irrespective of the form of attraction, Love can be established from it. And remember, attraction can be in the form of Lust, obsession, admiration etc. So in other words, even the bad forms of attraction can lead to love (mind you!~~ No one is saying or encouraging anyone to lust after another person or be obsessed over another, but the point here is, even if it happens, they can as well lead to love).

Let us pause a little and consider some passages as well:Remember when we were talking about attraction and we read a passage in 2 Samuel 11:2-4 where David saw a woman (Bethsheba) and he liked her and slept with her? This was just a mere attraction on David's part towards this woman. She was having her bath and then he lusted after her. Subsequently, she gave birth to a son and he died, despite David's prayers for the Son's Life to be spared.
The point here is in 2 Samuel 12:24: "Then David comforted his wife Bathsheba, and he went to her and lay with her. She gave birth to a son, and they named him Solomon. The LORD loved him".
You see!~~ She is now his wife. Even though it was not stated clearly if he loved her or not, but the main indication here is, his approach on her was not the right form of attraction, yet, they got married.

Let us see a more explicit passage:
Genesis 34: 1-4: "Now Dinah, the daughter Leah had borne to Jacob, went out to visit the women of the land. When Shechem son of Hamor the Hivite, the ruler of that area, saw her, he took her and violated her. His heart was drawn to Dinah daughter of Jacob, and he loved the girl and spoke tenderly to her. And Shechem said to his father Hamor, “Get me this girl as my wife.”

Shechem here in this passage used the wrong form of attraction to get Dinah, he saw her, took her and violated her, according to the passage, but what happened next? He finally loved her and if you take your time to go on with the passage you will realize that even when her father Jacob, gave them the criteria to marry His daughter (for all the men to be circumcised), they all did even at their old ages. So, the bottom line is, the approach or form of attraction does not matter on the road to Love, but no one is encouraged to use a wrong form of attraction.

The attraction and the Love!

3. The attraction could be as real, as deep and even as strong as Love itself, but do not forget that it is NOT LOVE. As we said earlier, attraction mostly acts on hormones and we can easily be deceived by the strong desire we have in us and think it is love. Just as Hunger or Anger could be so intensely expressed sometimes. Let's read this very interesting passage:
2 Samuel 13:1-15
"In the course of time, Amnon son of David strongly desired Tamar, the beautiful sister of Absalom son of David.

Amnon became frustrated to the point of illness on account of his sister Tamar, for she was a virgin, and it seemed impossible for him to do anything to her.

Now Amnon had a friend named Jonadab son of Shimeah, David’s brother. Jonadab was a very shrewd man. He asked Amnon, “Why do you, the king’s son, look so haggard morning after morning? Won’t you tell me?”

Amnon said to him, “I’m in love with Tamar, my brother Absalom’s sister.”

“Go to bed and pretend to be ill,” Jonadab said. “When your father comes to see you, say to him, ‘I would like my sister Tamar to come and give me something to eat. Let her prepare the food in my sight so I may watch her and then eat it from her hand.’”

So Amnon lay down and pretended to be ill. When the king came to see him, Amnon said to him, “I would like my sister Tamar to come and make some special bread in my sight, so I may eat from her hand.”

David sent word to Tamar at the palace: “Go to the house of your brother Amnon and prepare some food for him.” So Tamar went to the house of her brother Amnon, who was lying down. She took some dough, kneaded it, made the bread in his sight and baked it. Then she took the pan and served him the bread, but he refused to eat.

“Send everyone out of here,” Amnon said. So everyone left him. Then Amnon said to Tamar, “Bring the food here into my bedroom so I may eat from your hand.” And Tamar took the bread she had prepared and brought it to her brother Amnon in his bedroom. But when she took it to him to eat, he grabbed her and said, “Come to bed with me, my sister.”

“Don’t, my brother!” she said to him. “Don’t force me. Such a thing should not be done in Israel! Don’t do this wicked thing. What about me? Where could I get rid of my disgrace? And what about you? You would be like one of the wicked fools in Israel. Please speak to the king; he will not keep me from being married to you.” But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her.

Then Amnon hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he strongly desired her. Amnon said to her, “Get up and get out!


Amnon was so sick and haggered because of the strong desire he had for his half-sister which he even thought was Love (because that was what he told his friend). But now that he exhibited one of the product of attraction: Sex, what happened? He hated her so much that it was even more than the strong desire he had for her (desire which made him sick, frustrated and self humiliated). Can we get any lessons from this?

Now the point has been proven that all the suffering he was experiencing because of what he felt for his half sister were just hormonal manifestations, because if it were to be from the heart, there would be no way he would hate her INSTANTLY like that. If there was to be hatred after every sex, I guess most of us (if not all) will not know our parents.

If we really understand the previous series of this issue of Love, we will see that so many criteria of Love were not met in this passage. He felt intense desire for her from a distance (always in his room, killing himself for her, instead of approaching her to get to know her). Besides, she told him to approach His father, who would not refuse him to have her. Definitely no soul-to-soul union, and when he performed one of the products of attraction, instead of his soul to feel more connected to hers, it repelled hers so much.

Practical Application!

Its overwhelming to see some lovers of 6 months already thinking of marriage. Yes, they may feel the heat of their relationship, they may feel the bond is so strong, they may even feel, they have known each other much, but it could be fatal to their marriage later. The soul-to-soul union is very important in establishing love and remember earlier, we said Love can wax cold. You need to establish it to a certain level before you think of marriage and one of the formulas to use is the one mentioned earlier when we discussed "after the attraction Phase in Part III. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a).

It is said that the best form of marriage is one which begins from friendship, then courtship and then marriage, why? When friends, no intentions at all, but the two are just friends, they become very open to each other, knowing each other's weaknesses, strengths, secrets etc. By the time they are gradually getting compatible, the two souls begin to concur and before they both know it, they are in love which would lead to courtship. Marriage just simply becomes an extension to strengthen the love They already had.

One advice the ladies (especially) should take note of is : Do not start expressing the products of attraction until you are sure both of you are in Love. Why is this? Men stay longer in the "attraction" Phase than women, women do not stay long there but easily fall into Love. Now, if you allow yourself to begin to express the products of attraction even before the man loves you, he may likely not end up loving you again (from the passage above). Let's consider one quote from the German Author and Journalist Emil Lydwig
" The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of 2 people much more strongly than even the final surrender, because this kiss already has within it that surrender"..

So, when you are starting a relationship and you are in the beginning where you need to know the guy better, let it be that way (without any expression of attraction), if not, you will lose that consciousness of scrutinizing him and before you know it, your emotions encroaches into every thing about him. Even when he cracks a very dry joke, you'll laugh as though he is hilarious when he is not. Some ladies may think, it is the Sex that gives the Man their surrender, but from the quote we have learnt that the surrender is also rendered from the Kiss. The basic reason for so many break-ups today is simply because of this. In fact, there are situations where products of attraction begin immediately in the first day of meeting. The Chance of such leading to love is very slim.

Imagine when some stranger just meets you and hugs you, or because you said hi to a person yesterday, the person meets you today and jumps on you hugging you. What would be your thoughts? saying hi is not enough for the person to become your friend and hence does not warrant them to exhibit a product of attraction in friendship (in this case hug), until at least you become friends.

My first article in this site is a strong warning to ladies pertaining to bad relationships and if you are really interested to read it, go here. You will not regret reading it.

More on the attraction!

No one is saying the attraction is bad here, but the point is: the attraction is meant to create a platform for Love and when the couples are now in Love, the products of attraction should increase the soul-to-soul union, thereby making them stronger and deeply in Love. This leads to the next point.

3. Products of attraction when expressed in Love, strengthens the Love, but when expressed outside Love, renders the relationship a contract. If a contract expires what happens? Everyone goes his or her way. It is only in a very few cases where such a thing happens and they still end up loving each other, just like in the passages of the second point.

4. Before we discuss this point, let me ask a question? Asides Agape Love, which is the greatest? Is it Phileo or eros or Storge? Some may think it is storge because of the blood connection (blood is thicker than water). Some may even think it is eros, because the attraction is strongest in this category of Love and intimacy is highly expressed here. Well, based on your perception, you may be right, but it isn't the case. Love is the same in all categories, what makes it different in feelings and magnitude is the attraction attached to it.

There are some men who love their Beer-friends more than their wives and if you need to get any secret information about them, it is their friends you go to and not their wives. There are parents who adopt children and love them as though they are their blood, yet no connection there. There are also people who love their siblings much more than their spouses. We can go on and on and on and not stop. Love is dynamic and the same in all, the only difference is the attraction. The more the attraction in it, the more we feel its intensity, so attraction is vital and as we go on, we will see how we can use the attraction to make Love stronger.

Before we continue let's check out this Biblical passage:
2 Samuel 1:26: "I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother; you were very dear to me. Your love for me was wonderful, more wonderful than that of women."

David and Jonathan were friends but they were so close that David explains his love for him as more wonderful than that of women. Does that mean phileo love is greater than the eros? Absolutely No, but what it means is that, they have come to know each other so well, they have the soul-to-soul connection and the bond is so strong to the point David thinks, he cannot even love a woman that way. From our previous discussions in the other series, we realize that Love can be built, it can wax cold, it can be felt very strongly and as well cannot be felt at all, in essence it is dynamic, but the major factor is how we can build on it or make it strong, this we will discuss in our next and last series: Love in Marriage.

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Tags

Admiration, Agape, Compatibility, Concurrence, Courtship, Emil Lydwig, Eros, Final Surrender, Friendship, Lust, Marriage, Obsession, Phileo, Romance, Secret, Sex, Soul-To-Soul Union, Storge, Strength, Weakness

Meet the author

author avatar Funom Makama
A medical Practitioner and a passionate writer. A proud published Author of 2 books, more than 2,000 articles online and 500 Poems!
funommakama.org
drfunommakama.com

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Comments

author avatar Lambasted
20th Feb 2012 (#)

This is great

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author avatar Funom Makama
20th Feb 2012 (#)

thanks

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author avatar pretty_writer
20th Feb 2012 (#)

I love this piece!

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author avatar Lambasted
20th Feb 2012 (#)

Hi pretty Writer, we meet again

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author avatar pretty_writer
20th Feb 2012 (#)

Yeah, I lambasted you!~~ How are you doing?

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author avatar Lambasted
20th Feb 2012 (#)

I am good, and u?

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author avatar pretty_writer
20th Feb 2012 (#)

I am good too. Now that there is the message tool, I guess we can be chatting or communicating through messaging, I am going through Funom Makama's Love series so that I can gain from this unique and wonderful psychology he is explaining here.

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author avatar Lambasted
20th Feb 2012 (#)

Yeah, me too. So we will talk more later then. I guess and strongly suggest Funom Makama writes a book. His Ideas are awesome.

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author avatar pretty_writer
20th Feb 2012 (#)

Me too... Just take care!

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author avatar Lambasted
20th Feb 2012 (#)

You too my dear..

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author avatar Funom Makama
20th Feb 2012 (#)

thanks a lot... I think I will miss my 2 points if you begin to communicate through messages...

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author avatar Sheila Newton
21st Feb 2012 (#)

I'm just loving this series. Excellent stuff.

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author avatar Funom Makama
21st Feb 2012 (#)

Thanks Sheila..

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author avatar Lady Aiyanna
23rd Feb 2012 (#)

Its always better to fall in love first and then let it progress to the next stage wherein you know that the foundation is great. But one has to bear in mind that people never show their true authentic self till you get to see them with an unbiased non-judgemental way.
None the less, as long as it is not coveting someones wife or wrecking someones' home, it is a love that remains.
I have loved and remained true to the One and also told them about the others who tried their tricks with me and about people whom I liked but didnot progress ahead with. Never hid anything from my entire family. But never got that back in return though and that is what caused the problem.

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author avatar Funom Makama
23rd Feb 2012 (#)

I am so sorry to know about this Aiyanna, nevertheless, it should not stop you from Loving your loved ones. If you react in the same magnitude as they act towards you, then you are no different from them. A Naked Man chasing after a Mad Man who stole his towel would also be considered Man by the passers-by. I know it is very difficult to maintain this stance, but that is the best approach, because if peradventure they come to realize their act of selfishness and wickedness towards you, it would be solely because of the Love you have shown to them despite the humiliation they allowed you go through. So, do not relent (though difficult) but still try your best possible to show them acts of Love. Sooner or later, your deeds would pay off and bring at least some of them to order. Thanks for your comment.

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author avatar Ivyevelyn, R.S.A.
26th Feb 2012 (#)

I guess the point you are making, Funom, is not to go blindly forward into a relationship, but to be aware of each other's feelings as time goes on.

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author avatar Funom Makama
26th Feb 2012 (#)

yeah, something like that.. And as much as you feel for each other, wait to make it stronger before engaging in physical acts which should strengthen it.. But in doing so, before establishing Love, the individuals are rushing into it and it could be disastrous.

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author avatar Barine Nakwaasah
2nd Mar 2012 (#)

You are so good. Keep this up!

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author avatar Funom Makama
2nd Mar 2012 (#)

thanks and welcome to wikinut.

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