Adultery 102

kaylarStarred Page By kaylar, 12th Nov 2011 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Family>Relationships

The second course in Adultery with tips and tricks and protective associations

Recap

In Adultery 101 I touched on many of the facets of Adultery, and in Adultery Insurance some of the things one can do to limit the devastating effects of Adultery.

Reading the first two articles should put you in the correct mindset to appreciate the advice given here.

Starting from Suspicion

To be safe, emotionally, financially, and intellectually, one should start from the
position of the possibility.

"My husband would never....." is the absolutely wrong starting point.

Firstly, it blocks you from considering the possibility.

Secondly, if someone is about to tell you something, getting that instant disclaimer causes silence.

Thirdly, it makes you feel very stupid if/when the adultery is revealed.

Fourthly, the false sense of security it gives you will effect other aspects of your life. Your judgement will become questionable; after all, if you didn't 'catch' the first signs of your husband's adultery, how could you 'catch' the first signs of an employee's dishonesty?

Fifthly, the fact you were fooled by your husband will provoke the development
of a suspicious nature that makes you a different person.

Firstly

If you recognise that your spouse is a totally different person than you are,
a person with his/her own mind and actions, you not only prevent being totally devastated by the adultery, but you create the necessary respect for the
volition of your spouse.

Think of a cat; you can't really train a cat. A cat does pretty much what it wants
when it wants. You can't expect it to come when you call, to do precisely what
you want it to do.

Your spouse is like a cat, there because s/he chooses to be there, acting out of
his/her own volition.

You can't ever say 'never' about anyone, even yourself, for you don't
control the environment, you don't control their minds, you can't prevent
them from actions when you are not there standing over them.

By avoiding the pitfall of many spouses who think they control the other
you insure a far better marriage. You don't take them for granted, you don't
create scripts for them, you appreciate their existence separate from your own.

Secondly

Sometimes a person sees your spouse in an extremely prejudicial situation.
They want to tell you but test the waters. They may say, something which
you might be about to respond to with the; "My husband/wife would never...."

Stop yourself.
Say nothing.
Look intently at the speaker, and softly ask; "What do you mean?"

Don't panic, don't become hysterical, remain calm.
Listen.

You might hear something that was perfectly innocent or perfectly guilty.
At least you won't be the last to know, at least you will portray yourself
as someone others can talk to.

Do not try to explain away what you are told, take it in silence, thinking
about it. Let it remain a little grain of sand so that at some point in the near
future you can speak to your spouse in the most casual way to get the truth.

Simply by how your spouse answers you will know if this is something to
worry about or not.

Thirdly

What adds to the impact of Adultery is why you feel too stupid to live.
When someone tries to mention something to you and you smack it away
in a pathetic arrogance, you hurt yourself.

When you've had your suspicions and they are proven correct you gain the
sense that you 'knew it'. Yes, it's not a nice thing to know, but you feel intellectually vindicated. This helps in your self-confidence in dealing with
the situation.

When you feel like the stupidest person on Earth your subsequent reactions
are going to be coloured by this sense that you don't know what you're
doing and you're not as bright as you thought you were.

Fourthly

Once you begin to question your perceptions in one aspect of your life,
you question them in all.

You can't trust your spouse, that means you can't trust your secretary,
your brother, everyone is a possible betrayer.

You can ruin perfectly good relationships with others by this sense that
everyone is a suspect. Your secretary who never stole a paper clip will
be hurt by your actions, your brother you only means you good will be
angered by your questioning of his motives.

If you don't twist yourself into the dangerous belief that your husband
will "never" be unfaithful then that possibility will be just enough
protection for you not to daub others with your insecurities.

Fifthly

The suspicious nature that envelopes you after being cheated on will have you behaving ridiculously.

You will suspect everyone, trust no one, and micro-manage.

You'll walk behind your friends and relatives so as to see first hand if what they
tell you is true. You will not believe anyone, even when they are truthful because having been proven a fool once you will fight to never be a fool again and
become the biggest fool, ruining other relationships with unnecessary suspicions.

A very little thing, yet....

Simply allowing the possibility that your spouse could be unfaithful makes
you a bit more aware of what is happening, a bit more self-protective, and
prevents ugly surprises.

One can partially make the assumption that he or she might be seeing
someone else and keep it to themselves.

Your spouse may be telling the truth that he had to work late, or he might
be lying about working late. You don't have to come down on any 'side'
at the moment. You just don't absolutely believe him/her.

Yes, he might have worked late and you might learn this independently.
No, he might not have worked late, and you also learn this obliquely.

But the explosion of your constructs can not happen because you have
left the space for either possibility.

If you are 'dead sure' the supermarket is still open and arrive to find it
closed there's this 'what am I going to do now?' moment.
If you are uncertain if the supermarket is still open then you have a 'Plan B'
so that as you see the sign you know where to go next.

Having a Plan B is one of the most intellectually rewarding aspects.
It proves your judgement, your resourcefulness, and protects you from
the dangers of putting everything into one basket.

Tags

Adultery, Cheating, Divorce, Lovers, Marriage, Other Man, Other Woman

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author avatar kaylar
I am passionate about history, culture, current events, science and law

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Comments

author avatar Retired
14th Nov 2011 (#)

Kaylar, have you ever been cheated upon??? Or do you cheat on your partner/wife???

While I don't condone the actions, I do know the pain of being cheated and that is why I say a leopard never changes their spots but some do change, sometimes.

Would you prefer bed hopping and asking your spouse to do the same too??

What happens to the kids?? Leave then to fend for themselves or send them to the orphanage where they would get the same treatment any way.

Mother sleeping around, father being a cat, bringing some stray mouse home for the kid to eat. That is not life, its selfishness where you are thinking just of yourself and not of the partner or the children you have.

Ever thought of the physical and emotional trauma that they go through?? You lose love and respect for the person you with as you have tasted nectar from a stray plant in the neighbours garden patch. Start to beat, abuse, malign them, threaten to kill them, abuse and beat the child just because they were born of you.

Is that what you are propagating that people should do???

Much as I hate to say it, it is a fact, this shows your values and etiquette you have within you. Think twice before advising people on having affairs.

For the record: My husband had an affair with a common colleague and he ended up raising his hand on me after that after 5 years of marriage and the same woman ended doing the same to my best friends marriage and they are no going through a divorce on the other side. He is a philanderer no doubt but she nailed him as she is a habitual homewrecker.

BTW, the above are all heard it all before excuses.

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author avatar kaylar
14th Nov 2011 (#)

I am a lawyer actively involved in women's issues. I don't think you 'got' the article.

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author avatar Funom Makama
16th Nov 2011 (#)

hmmm!~~~ I was a bit confused when going through this article, but Aiyanna's comment made me go through it once more and now I get it.

This is my own advice.... Marriage comes with trust and after making the vows wherever (Church or Court) It is believed these vows have been made between the two life-partners and God, so they ought to keep it. Also another expectation is, both of them have known each other well enough (Mark my words, Well Enough, you can never know someone 100%, but at least well enough to love his/her good part and tolerate the other part FOR LIFE!).

If this is the case, Utmost trust is encourage. Yeah, there is a level of confidence and believe the two spouses ought to have for each other and as well, stick to that trust until it is broken. Following your advice, if for instance, A well known handsome Basket Baller was falsely accused of cheating and in fact, pregnancy is involved-if his wife is to apply your advice, she will NOT stick with him the way or to the magnitude she ought to (because of the open possibility you have advised her to take and it will be in her head). It is better to hold onto the trust, and then when it is broken, you know it is broken, but when it pays off, you trust each other even more. But if the other way round, it would be pathetic and in fact can gradually begin a long unfortunate events leading to divorce.

The Pillar of Love is trust!~~~ And it is funny sometimes how the mind and heart work together. If Trust is altered even slightly, it begins to manifest gradually and increasing even without knowing and before you know it, it is eating up the fun part or Love experience of the marriage. I will encourage total trust!~~~ Yeah, Life Partners can change, that's for sure, nevertheless, they also cannot (or maynot) change. So why living on possibilities, instead of living on the real thing? The real thing here is not the possibility of the spouse to fail or be unfaithful but rather it dwells on the personality you married. So far as he/she has not changed, Trust them (that is the real thing), but if peradventure, they prove you otherwise, then, fine!~~ It may hurt, yeah~~ it would, nevertheless, you came out clean and have played your role pretty well. Long Courtship is always encouraged before marriage so that intended couples get to know each other better. If your spouse is believed to be someone who doesn't cheat and based on how you see him/her has no potential to do so, then stick to that belief for the sake of the marriage, but if that is altered, then So be it. But beginning to put other possibilities only open up holes and trust me!~~~ The marriage may somehow somewhere crumble without any concrete reason. So, if two people call themselves HUSBAND and WIFE, the trust should be COMPLETE!

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author avatar Retired
24th Nov 2011 (#)

Funam, as a cheated wife I can tell you all I needed to know he was cheating was his change of techniques and smell of perfume apart from residues somewhere else as I washed the clothes.
One can fool the world but never a wife as she always knows but never talks. When she does talk you know it is time to walk as she will spit fire till you are burnt to cinders.
Not just my experience but from many other spouse. Saw my neighbour, male do that with his wife and finally laid a trap and caught her with the boyfriend with pictures too.

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author avatar Retired
24th Nov 2011 (#)

Took custody of the kids. The whole neighbourhood knew but they had no proof so finally had photographers on stand by and snapped it. in the 90's

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author avatar kaylar
24th Nov 2011 (#)

Fully agree with you. Some wives, however, blind their eyes, deaf their ears, and any lie he tells, she swallows it as cream.

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author avatar kaylar
16th Nov 2011 (#)

When a woman believes her husband will 'Never' cheat, it is usual she is proven wrong.

This mindless Trust is a perscription for devastation.

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author avatar Retired
22nd Nov 2011 (#)

Sincere advice, please don't get married and make the woman's life hell...

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author avatar kaylar
24th Nov 2011 (#)

There are some women who marry for the name, the status, whatever, and it means nothing to them. In fact, they are happy not to have sex with the guy. Find that kind of woman if one intends on cheating.

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