A Question

Colleen79 By Colleen79, 22nd May 2013 | Follow this author | RSS Feed | Short URL http://nut.bz/3066-8kv/
Posted in Wikinut>Family>Relationships

Can the people close to you steal your finer qualities? Or in another sense can the people close to you pick up and emulate what you consider your better traits until you feel you have completely lost them?

A Question

Can the people close to you steal your finer qualities? Or in another sense can the people close to you pick up and emulate what you consider your better traits until you feel you have completely lost them?

Here is why I ask:

Twelve years ago I met the man I would later marry.
Nothing weird there I hear you say – yes I realise that, just bear with me.
At that time I was turning 22, I was working as a waitress and a receptionist for a motel. A real people person, you know; bubbly, always smiling, being just a little cheeky with the right customers to make them smile in the hope that when they returned they would still be smiling. I loved my job, met loads of people and saw going to work as an opportunity to have fun rather than as a chore.
When I wasn’t working I was visiting friends or window shopping (didn’t have much to spend back then) or reading at home. I would find myself singing along with the music in shops often out loud, yes a little embarrassing, even when reading I would sing with the radio – singing came as naturally for me as breathing. I was still a little high strung but it was manageable, once I was out among friends I would relax and often enjoy myself. I loved dancing – not like ballroom dancing, though I would have loved to learn salsa dancing – just your average go to the pub and try not to bump into anyone type dancing, even at parties I was among the first on the floor. I was relatively fit since I spent a lot of time on the go and had no car so I walked a lot except at night when I would catch a cab for safety. My self esteem wasn’t epic, I still had hang-ups about my weight, looks, intelligence, social skills, but I was improving it. I was getting more comfortable with being me, in my own skin flaws and all.

My Husband back then was quite different, he was more sheltered than me, still living at home under mummy’s thumb. He was more socially awkward than me, his self esteem seemed worse than mine and he had a very small circle of friends. He hated dancing and singing – especially hated for me to do either of them, didn’t like to go out much and never walked anywhere. His walk appeared wooden and he seemed to resent any sort of movement apart from driving. He rarely laughed unless it was at a fart joke or someone falling, and my jokes and humour were wasted on him. He seemed to find what I considered my better traits to be irritating and childish. And he rarely smiled.
But he was the exact opposite of my ex, he seemed to be a genuinely nice guy, hard worker and in need of a little socialisation. I felt that with a bit more self-esteem he would be more relaxed and better able to handle social situations thus being more likely to enjoy going out and maybe eventually he might even try dancing!!

Skip forward by 12 years, we have since married and had 2 children.
Yes this is where the weird bit starts . . .
Today I am like a different person, I am not bubbly, or a people person. I am a stay home mum for my two kids the eldest having Autism the youngest having issues around massive sudden head growth and now type 1 diabetes. I see therapists and specialists more often than my friends. I no-longer sing or dance. My movements have become wooden and awkward. I rarely smile unless it’s at the kids or my sister.
Laughing is no longer spontaneous but subdued and often missing from day to day activities. I have withdrawn socially, and no longer seek company from friends. When forced into social situations I suffer anxiety and panic attacks. I rarely walk anywhere and feel trapped in my skin. In the street I get irritable and blame peoples rudeness on my lack of good looks and excess of fat, when the reality could be they are rude because of the sour look on my face or maybe they are just rude people and it has nothing to do with me at all.

My husband now smiles more, he laughs at things besides fart jokes. He seeks out the company of people and goes walking daily for his mental and physical health. His self esteem can at times be too high and grates on me. He goes out to see friends, calls them on the phone, all things he rarely did.

So I wonder if it’s possible that my husband stole my personality, and left me to be a miserable old witch in his wake?
Could I have begun to emulate his less than stellar qualities and begun to spiral into negativity in the hope of gaining those qualities back?
I fear I shall not know. It seems the only choice I have is to strive to better myself again and do it in spite of him and the idea that my good traits were childish.
The question remains can i regain "me"?


Question, Relationships, Wierd

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author avatar Colleen79
Im a creative writer, occasionally a poet but still a work in progress

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author avatar Sivaramakrishnan A
23rd May 2013 (#)

We can regain the warmth and spontaneity, Colleen. Life can become a daily grind but that is a fact for most even for the bubbly people! I accept those I cannot change and change what I can for the better. It is the little things that matter in the end - be oneself and enjoy being within own skins and that is a reality we are born with! siva

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author avatar Colleen79
24th May 2013 (#)

Thanks Siva, I am working on it progress is slow but it is still progress

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author avatar Kathleen
25th May 2013 (#)

I think you need to spend less time with negative people and more time with your boys and your sister :-D
I'm sure your sister can help you find yourself again.
Don't forget, it's the people that make you smile that make it all worthwhile :-)

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