5 Insane Phases of a Doomed Sexual Relationship

Blake C. PatriaStarred Page By Blake C. Patria, 6th Mar 2014 | Follow this author | RSS Feed
Posted in Wikinut>Family>Relationships

So you met somebody spunk, and you're hitting it off great! By all means, have a ball, just keep this in mind.

5.The Honeymoon

Oh God! What are the symptoms?

You've just met. The angels are singing and the devils are tromboning. You seem to be really well matched, and are very adventurous in bed. If it wasn't for public ludeness laws, you would be christening every street corner and every sidewalk tile, and people would applaud, perhaps learning a thing or two. Perhaps you feel like a cloud.

Can I cure it?

If you want to cure this, you probably have sexual issues in general so I'd suggest taking an oath of celibacy, and becoming a monk. However, if you want this to continue, I suggest being creative. Test your flexibility. See which albums of music spark whatever mood. Have a few drinks. Get some toys. How far is your threshold of pain? Make up little games. Throw in a friend or two if there are any of them into that thing. Oh, and maintain a strong communication: You'll want an audible safety word.

4. We live together!

Oh God, what are the symptoms?

Well, you can't seem to get enough of each other, and it's just convenient to share a place. Sometimes this is a friend's couch, underneath a bridge, or in a sketchy boarding house. The love continues, but personal space seems to have dwindled.

How do I cure it?

Space is key, and absence makes the heart grow fonder. You should at least have the personal space where you don't have to poop in front of each other (unless that is a perk of the above Honeymoon Phase).

3. Jealousy

Oh God, what are the symptoms?

Perhaps you and/or you're partner is experiencing a bit of insecurity. One of you sees the other talking to somebody attractive, and feels jealous. Perhaps you might even see somebody attractive, and assume that your lover was checking them out. Conflict ensues.

How do I cure it?

If you're feeling that you are too far into the relationship as a damaged person to cut and run, you can confront your insecurity once and for all! This requires the crafty arrangement of a three-way. Don't try to orchestrate it, these things just happen, and don't be afraid if they do! Just watch your partner have sex with somebody else. Participate and be creative. Take your partner to heaven with the extra. At some point, you might just want to let the guest in your little rumpus just go to town on your partner as you watch. Make sure all the bases are covered. Make sure the guest alone gave a performance to write home about. You might actually like it because you find your partner attractive and sexually talented, and watching other people have sex is entertaining. Jump in when the guest needs a break, perhaps raising the bar with your familiarity with your partner. The whole thing is a very good bonding experience for the three of you, and if your partner still prefers to have sex with you, there's no need for you to be insecure. If your partner is the jealous one, refer to the above solution. Jealousy is stupid.

2. Built up resentment

Oh God, what are the symptoms?

It's been a while with several ups and downs. If you are the type to have a hard time forgiving and forgetting, stupid things from the past might surface in a conflict. You begin to dread the presence of each other, and constantly think of rebuttals for arguments you are not even having yet.

How do I cure it?

Either get out while you can, or just learn to let things go. Maybe your partner will follow suit. Try to remember all of the good times, and do sweet things like dinner dates and cute gifts. Write a romantic letter, poem, or even a song. Even if you are a bad poet, the poem will still be cute and intimate.

1. You're in jail

Oh, God, what are the symptoms?

Look around you. Are you in some kind of confined space with a bunch of maniacs? Are you reminded of public school for some reason? Has coffee and Ramen noodles become your units of currency? You are in jail--perhaps prison if the argument was really bad. You were very brave and noble for sticking it out, and trying to save that relationship, but one or both of you was a lunatic, and did something rash.

How do I cure it?

See above phase: 2 Built up resentment. If you were starting to worry that things would get out of hand enough that you would end up in jail, you should have bailed a while ago (or at least listened to me when I whispered "Run! Run! Run!" into your ear after she threw the cup of hot coffee at you). Otherwise, the only cure for this is to just do your time.


Domestic Partners, Doom, Fun, Honeymoon, Jail, Jealousy, Lovers, Partners, Phases, Ramen Noodles, Relationships, Resentment, Sex, Therapy

Meet the author

author avatar Blake C. Patria
My name is Blake C. Patria. I am a musician, a writer, a philanthropist, a philosopher, etc. I enjoy science and its fictions. I also enjoy philosophy and Punk Rock. My work will tell more :)

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author avatar cnwriter..carolina
8th Mar 2014 (#)

oh oh oh!!!!

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author avatar Fern Mc Costigan
8th Mar 2014 (#)

Interesting Post!

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author avatar Wright
9th Dec 2014 (#)

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