Why divorce doesn't have to be that hard
By Amy Robertson, 29th Oct 2011 | Follow this author
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Posted in WikinutFamilyDivorce
Divorce is not fun - nobody will ever claim that it is - but it can be a lot less painful than you originally think
Divorce
When I stood up and took my wedding vows, I never expected or imagined I would be getting a divorce five years later. It simply wasn't part of my life plan. But eight months on and I am having dinner with my ex tomorrow and we talk on the phone every so often. We share the same friends, can discuss if there is any unsorted business such as bills we had forgotten about and we even work together occasionally. Though I know we have been lucky in many ways and for some people an amicable divorce simply isn't an option, here's how we did it.
It took me a long time to realise the issue in my life was with my marriage. I tried to blame it on other things - work stresses, previously unsolved issues in past relationships. And I went to counselling, which helped me to finally admit to myself that the real problem was my unhappiness in the marriage. It was both terrifying and reassuring.
I spoke to my husband about my concerns with our marriage. One of our major issues was his inability to communicate especially on difficult topics; his response was something along the lines of 'oh'. And that was it. So I found us a marriage counsellor through Relate (which incidentally is not free and cost rather more than I expected). My husband spoke finally - and a lot came out which made me realise things were even less right than I had thought.
Within a few months, our relationship had deteriorated rapidly and we were both obviously unhappy. We wanted different things from life and I felt incredibly suffocated. My best friend said "of all the people I know, you are the least likely to stay in a relationship because you are afraid of not being in a relationship". One Friday I called him and said we should meet up but he asked me to tell him over the phone - I said we should separate and he agreed.
Then came the guilt. How could I hurt him like this? My ex is a genuinely lovely person - he is intelligent, funny, brilliant with people - he just is not right for me, nor I for him. Then the panic - I will be on my own forever. Then the anger - why couldn't he have tried harder? Giving myself time and leaning on my friends for support made a big difference. It also made me see that not everything works out how you think it will but that's ok. As is pain. Yes it will hurt going through a divorce, but it is not the end of the world unless you choose to view it that way.
Whilst our parents and siblings were in tears, my ex and I remained calm, talking things through and covering off both the practical and some of the emotional sides. We both admitted we loved each other but we just wanted different things. For a few weeks, he needed space and we stopped all contact. When he was ready to be back in touch, we started to chat a bit again.
It was, to my surprise, my ex who brought up the topic of divorce. We had put a separation agreement in place pretty soon afterwards as I wanted to buy a flat to move on. It was another calm but sad conversation. We also said we had started seeing other people. Which brings me to tomorrow and having lunch together.
So here's some tips:
1. Life is short. Yes, everyone should work hard at a marriage (unless there is any sort of violence in which case get out of there immediately!) but if you are unhappy, the two of you cannot have a happy marriage
2. Get help - books, counselling - expert advice and being in a safe space to talk can prevent heated arguments and harsh words
3. If things are not right, say so - don't let it linger. Good communication is key to all relationships so if you talk things through and you are stronger after then brilliant. If more issues arise, at least you know what you need to address
4. Try to stay away from alcohol/drugs/any form of negative escapism if possible. It will lead to tears, arguments and saying things when you are not in the best head space. You owe it to yourself and your partner to be clear-headed when discussing separation
5. Trial a period apart - it can help you identify what you want
6. Be patient but firm - you probably won't feel the same about the relationship and one may be more ready to separate than the other. However, if you need time apart, say so
7. Be kind to each other. Who cares about the stereo or picture you bought together? You are splitting up with someone you once loved deeply and despite all the mad mix of emotions, it is better to be able to look back and feel you handled the situation as best as you could
8. Take the upper hand. If they are behaving like an idiot, it is probably because they are hurting. Don't play games - it will come back to bite you
9. Don't have an affair - it might make your marriage seem better because someone else is filling the gaps your partner isn't, but if you feel you need an affair you should probably not be in the relationship
10. Live. Life is for living so be brave, re-find your love of life and enjoy it. Whether its travelling, seeing friends more, going to galleries, writing... If you have this in your marriage, you are extremely lucky. But you don't have to be in a relationship to be happy and the world is an exciting place with infinite adventures just around the corner.
Comments
29th Oct 2011 (#)
Although humour and love amongst other things help in a marriage, there are other attributes such as violence and abuse which could take place and that may come due to interferrence from exterior sources and that is what happened in mine wherein my husband had an affair with a colleague, in front of me and then after that resorted to violence that caused hurt and harm to the child.
My best friend is male, rather was male as he decided to have an affair with the SAME woman might I add (she is a chronic home wrecker) and decided to end friendship with me for telling him off for it.
Its been a year or so since the separation and personally have been single, celibate and not looking either as having a man in life is not the be all and end all of life as a whole.
It is painful no matter what especially when there are kids and worse still after 12 years of knowing each other and married for 9 from the same. He walked out on me in my case with less than 48 hours notice and no goodbye to the child either.
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1st Nov 2011 (#)
I'm so sorry to hear and I honestly believe that when there is violence in a relationship you need to get out of it as quickly and safely as possible. And yes it is painful, but giving yourself time to recover and move on - whether in a relationship or not - is key. Good luck and thanks for sharing
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1st Nov 2011 (#)
Great article. I love your expressions and the way you let this out. Why not check out my story and tell me what you think. It was a 5 minutes inspiration I wrote down and I am scared it may not be as great as I thought.
http://writing.wikinut.com/Just-in-a-split-second/1drekc8s/
Nice work and please keep it up
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16th Nov 2011 (#)
Well written, well thought out, Amy. Thank you for the insight you have gained from your own experience..This is a really good article..
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5th Feb 2012 (#)
Some very good points here Amy I am sure that many will appreciate your advice and encouraging words if they find themselves in the same position...
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