Just 5 pounds
How do you control a craving? How do you know that a craving is real or emotional? Here is what I found.
Food In Every Thought
There are times when I tried to tell myself that being 'thicker' or heavier was just in my genes. For some, it is. Others...it seems like it's a never ending battle of the bulge. I never was thin by any standards but as I got older the weight came on by emotional eating and just because I liked food. I used excuses and reasons that I thought might help justify why I was obese. I was bullied in school, but that ended and I had to find another reason/excuse, whichever term would fit at the time. In my twenties I decided that losing a few pounds would be good. I wanted to look good even though I had accepted I would never be a size 8, 10 or even 16.
I did loose weight. About 30 pounds after working a while and using some diet pills which my parents never knew about. No one ever told me that 20 of that was water. However, I managed to keep it off for about 3 years. I got married and had my first child by 23. I did loose the 'baby weight' through nursing and walking. I had lost 15 pounds before the second trimester then gained 8 pounds. My doctor asked if I was dieting and NO, I didn't diet. I just ate what I needed to and didn't eat too much. I couldn't eat meat while I was pregnant since it made me sick. Hubby had to come home to meals made with no meat. If he wanted meat, he cooked it. I could go out and get a hamburger but that's because I didn't have to watch it cook or be near it. I did crave egg salad with green olives, though. I couldn't get enough of dill pickles either. Weird, I know, but fun at the time. Being 'big bone' as they used to call it, I didn't start showing till I was about 6 months along. Was teased that I was faking. Trust me, they knew different as time went on. My baby girl was 9 pounds, 7 ounces.
Second Time Around
This second pregnancy was about 2 and a half years later. This one was different. I felt miserable and moody. I had morning sickness which I never got before. Not fun!!! I still didn't eat for two as some did because I knew that little person was not as big as I was. I lost weight with this one. When I had my boy, he weighed 11 pounds 6 ounces and he was just a chunk. The roundest face I ever saw on a newborn and fit into newborn clothes for only 2 weeks. We had to put him in 3 month clothes after that. He was the talk of the hospital floor. I should have sold tickets. And no, I couldn't have medication for pain since I had back problems all my life. ALL NATURAL. Yes, OUCH!
The weight didn't come off as well this time. He didn't nurse for very long. Only 2 months. It was just too frustrating for him and me so I put him on formula. Then eating became my comfort. I didn't know it at the time, I was going through Postpartum Depression. So the weight just came on. We had also moved from family when my boy was about 4 months old and I had never moved away so far before. From a small town in Central New York to Westminster, California. I was homesick for 9 months and used food to comfort me, again.
As the weight came on I decided to not worry about it. If people didn't accept me for who I was, so be it. I didn't need their friendship. I look back on this attitude and realize I was hurting no one but myself.
Life went on and then losing 4 people in my family in 8 months was very trying but I kept my faith alive and strong by prayer, relied on friends and family to help me through. The fourth person to pass away was my hubby of 18 years. He had the bypass surgery but didn't comply with all that was required. Though the surgery worked, he failed to realize that it would take work and effort on his part to get past the morbidly obese person he wanted to change. It seemed like he wanted a quick fix to change his weight and since that was the only choice he had left, he followed through. Seeing his struggle made me think about my own weight issues. So, I decided to loose some weight. I succeeded in losing 20 pounds and for me that was big. I did it on my own and was quite proud of accomplishing that.
In the Fall of the following year, I was diagnosed as a Diabetic. How on earth could that happen!!!????!!! I just lost 20 pounds. However, what I didn't realize is that family genetics was against me. Diabetes was on both sides of the family so I was 70 percent at risk. This was not known to me. I figured, okay, I will have to make changes.
I ate smaller meals, more fruits and vegetables and lean meats, had snacks that were healthy. Eventually I lost 70 pounds. That was a big accomplishment and yes, once again I was happy.
I got to thinking of how old I was getting and that things would be changing and I could feel that my chemistry was changing. I got scared for some reason. Wasn't quite sure why but started craving sugar. WHAT! A Diabetic craving sugar. I didn't know such a thing could happen. About the same time, we had to move and my daughter left our family on terrible terms and there I go again. Eating my woes away and adding to my waistline. Gained 60 pounds back and couldn't understand why I was having such a hard time...again.
The Doctor said, "Well, your older and going through Pre-menopause." Didn't know that existed either. Either you're going through your change or not. So much for life being a little simpler.
Again, I should have known things were never going to be the same. But, like most imperfect humans, I had to learn the hard way. Now, I am taking it one-day-at-a-time. I have set small goals for myself. If I set a goal of 5 pounds in 2 months, that is doable. I have reached and exceeded my first goal. If there's an event I am looking forward to, I use that as an incentive to reach my 5 pound goal. I did have a set back when my maternal grandmother passed away, but I am determined to keep going. I have so much encouragement from family and friends. Getting another person to do this with me also has helped. Yes, there are times I cheat, but NOT the whole day. That is counter productive and would undo all that I have worked for.
This time...I WILL DO IT!