How to Tips on Putting a Stop to a Stalker
Stalking is not your fault. Stalking is a crime...a crime you can do something about.
How to Tips on Putting a Stop to a Stalker
This is a challenging article to write because there are so many different situations and scenarios that there is no one perfect plan that will help every situation. It should take volumes to write about such a subject but in the interest of time I will touch on the finer points that will help.
Most stalking victims are woman and the stalker is usually an ex- husband, ex-boyfriend or admirer who just won’t take ‘NO’ for an answer. Men and children can also be stalked and stalking can happen to all racial and ethnic groups.
This article will deal with the most common kind of stalker which is an admirer or a former/current boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse.
The definition of “Stalking” varies from State to State. In many States, Stalking is defined as the “willful, malicious and repeated following and harassing of another person”.
In my 28 years as a Police Officer I’ve handled many stalking cases and I’ve seen the emotional damage it causes and how it destroys lives. Stalking isn’t just about you being a victim but it can affect everyone and everything around you including your family, your job and your life.
Stalking can be as little as annoying notes or phone calls, internet stalking like reading of personal emails or accounts which all eventually fade away…but, it can also escalate into a full blown non stop obsession that leads to brutal murder of entire families and suicide.
There are many articles and studies about stalking which I encourage you to read and educate yourself with so you can learn and get the help you need or at least be armed with the knowledge of what to do if you’re ever faced with this situation.
Seven years ago I personally became a victim of a stalker and I can tell you from experience how destructive it can be. My stalker was a young woman 20 years younger then I was who I met at a community meeting who became attracted to me. Yes, I was flattered by the attention but to me it was nothing more than innocent friendly contact and I knew for myself it would not go any further then just that. What started out to be a meeting talking about problems in the neighborhood soon became a full blown year long nightmare of terror and destruction.
During my ordeal of trying to get rid of this person out of my life I was subjected to the phone calls a 100 times a day’ her coming finding out where I live and coming to my house if I didn’t answer the phone or left it off the hook. She would come to my job and threatened to make up some lie to get me fired and the endless yelling, screaming and crying. Finally the physical abuse started and many times I would be beat on, assaulted and finally she stabbed me. Let me remind you, I’M A POLICE OFFICER!
I was under the misconception that I could handle this problem on my own. I took the physical abuse because she was 98 pounds and I never thought she could hurt me. I also felt somehow that this was my problem and that I could solve it on my own without the help of anyone. I was wrong.
My marriage, my family and my personal life was destroyed and it took me a year to finally get rid of the woman.
My stalker finally went away and she eventually got married and if you can believe it, she married a Police Officer. How do I know all of this you ask? Seven years later every now and again she finds a way to let me know she’s still around.
Stalking can happen to anyone and so I share my story and experience in order to help others either get out of or never get into a stalking situation.
My personal experience has taught me a great deal of “would of, could of, should of’s” and how I would handle things differently if I had known. Also, having to deal with many stalking victims over the years in Law Enforcement I am sharing some tips on what it takes to “Stop a Stalker”:
WHAT YOU SHOULD UNDERSTAND ABOUT STALKING
Stalking is a serious Crime and it’s a crime that you can do something about.
PEOPLE STALK OTHERS FOR DIFFERENT REASONS
A stalker can be ex-spouse, ex-boy/girl friend a casual acquaintance or an admirer who is obsessed with you and wants to be in a relationship with you. The attention may be flattering at first until the person won’t take NO for an answer or not want to end a relationship.
STALKING IS A SERIES OF ACTS BY ANOTHER PERSON
A stalker harasses you by either calling, text messages, emailing or following you.
He will make you fear for your safety and will try to keep you in a state of constant fear.
Stalking is all about ‘control’. The more control the stalker feels he has over you the bigger the thrill. If you give “attention to it” then you are giving the stalker control and the more upset you get the more control the stalker feels he has…so, IGNORE anything and everything the stalker does.
A stalker may show up at your work or home uninvited. Send you gifts or spy on you.
It may become more dangerous over time and the stalker may make threats against you, your family or your loved ones.
The stalker may break into your house, vandalize your property and try to hurt you. There is no way to know if the stalker will become violent.
PUT YOUR LIFE FIRST
You must be willing to treat this person like a stranger. I know you still care and don’t want to hurt anyone but if you aren’t willing to put yourself and your life first than you are in for some rough times so, act as though this person is a complete stranger. You would not allow a stranger to bang on your door or you would call the Police, if a stranger shows up at your job and harasses you, you would call the Police. Most victims of stalking always admit they do not want to “ruin the person’s life by having them arrested”…but to STOP a stalker you must be willing to ruin their life if that is what it takes and that is NOT YOUR FAULT.
STALKING IS BASED ON EMOTION
Emotion is the most powerful characteristic in human existence. From the very beginning emotion has caused man to do the worst things imaginable such as, deny their God, start wars, murder and kill themselves.
A stalker lives in a fantasy world made up in his head. He feels and imagines that someday you will be his or that it will be alright soon and things will be back to the way they were.
He begins to focus on things like your smell, the sound of your voice, how you breathe at night or the little mole on your back. It’s what connects him to you that he knows these little private things that no one else knows.
HOW TO CONTROL THE EMOTION OF THE STALKER
The most important thing to do in a potential stalking situation is to ‘never, ever, ever’ feed his emotion.
Do not give him anything to hang on to.
Referring to the popular movie “Dumb and Dumber” starring, Jim Carey, Jeff Daniels and Lauren Holly there is a scene where Jim Carey’s character was infatuated with Lauren Holly’s character. The scene is Kim Carey finally gets up enough courage to tell Lauren Holly he likes her and wants to go out with her. Lauren is kind but tells him flat out that there is no way she would go out with him. Jim Carey doesn’t take NO for an answer and asks Lauren what the odds would be that she would go out with him. She then tells him the odds would be “one chance in a million” and Jim Carey says these immortal words every stalker thinks, feels and feeds on …he says… ”SO YOU’RE TELLING ME THERE IS A CHANCE?”
You cannot give the stalker any kind or caring words or acts that will feed his emotional fantasy. You cannot even click the “ignore” button on your cell phone when you see them calling because to a stalker it is saying you thought of him enough to click ignore.
The worst mistake you can make is telling the person whom you’ve just ended a relationship with that you will “always love them” or that you will “always hold a special place in your heart” for them, telling them they are ”better off without you” or “it’s not you, it’s me” or some emotional phrase or words that feed their emotions.
These are expressions that feed his emotion and say “so you’re telling me there is a chance”. You do not want to give hope for any future contact.
LINKING EMOTIONS TO ANOTHER FEELING
The best thing you can do to stop a stalker is ‘link’ the stalker’s emotion to something else or another feeling.
For example, when the stalker thinks of you instead of feeling whatever feelings is keeping him attached to you will be attached to something else.
In order to link his emotions to something else you first must be willing to get others involved. Tell your family your situation, call and make complaints to the Police, get a restraining order so when the stalker contacts you in any way you can simply file a Police report of him violating the restraining order.
You must make your friends, your co-workers and boss at work aware of what is going on. By doing this you first of all have support from those who love and care about you and it’s vital that everyone knows so when your stalker contacts anyone of these other people he will not be able to get any information and is rejected.
So, now his emotions are beginning to be linked to such feelings as rejection, dissatisfaction and fear. This is perfect and what you want to have happen, because when your stalker begins to think and fantasize about you he will feel these new feelings.
Think about this, when the Stalker is in his fantasy world and his emotions are high and all of a sudden those emotions are sharply interrupted by the Police showing up and possibly making an arrest his emotions are transferred from you and linked to ‘fear’.
IF YOU ARE CONFRONTED IN PERSON
If you are caught off guard and your stalker confronts you, remain calm. You must understand there is no reasoning with this person. Do not try and talk sense because they are emotionally unstable and cannot reason. It could turn ugly and God forbid, violent.
The stalker may plead with you or ask ‘why’ you ended the relationship. Use simple phrases such as; “I am not interested and there is nothing to discuss”. Do NOT tell them you are sorry.
Tell them calmly to stop contacting you and end the conversation and walk away.
If you are grabbed, then keep calm and ask them to let you go. Once you are let go and you can walk away then call the Police and have them arrested for assault.
If your stalker becomes violent then you must fight for your life and defend yourself at all costs.
If all you can do is dial 9-1-1 and put the phone down 9-1-1 will be able to trace your phone and send the Police right away. If it is a cell phone then call out your address so you are heard by the 9-1-1 operator because they cannot trace a cell phone.
Of course the best way to avoid a stalker is to never get involved with someone and purposely use them or play with their emotions.
Many stalking victims could easily avoid a stalking situation if they would have not put themselves in the situation in the first place when they knew better or should have known.
Never give out your personal information to someone you just met, especially on-line.
Have some common sense and if it feels bad…then it usually is.
* Keep a log of everything your stalker does. Keep all the letters, notes, emails and text messages. You may have to build a case to permanently put this person away if necessary.
* Keep a cell phone with you at all times. You may have to change your phone number or stop answering your phone altogether. Your friends and family will understand. Invest in pepper spray or self defense classes.
* Get advice from support groups, attorneys and Law Enforcement agencies.
This article has also been posted on Bukisa.com by Scott Hallock