Dealing with the death of an estranged father
When a father from whom a child is estranged dies, how is that child meant to deal with this. Perhaps this personal message will help
Being estranged from a child
Dealing with the death of an estranged father is not something that I have experienced. However, my fear is that my daughter will have that experience and it is not something that I would wish upon her or anyone else. It has been ten long years since she last contacted me, with no response to any letters of calls I have made and my fear is that there may not be enough time to heal the wounds and hurt she feels inside. Therefore, I would like to take this opportunity of explaining how I feel that one can deal with the death of an estranged father in the form of a letter to the daughter I still love and care for deeply.
My darling daughter,
It has been so many years since we last hugged and loved each other in person and I do not know whether we will ever share that pleasure again. The blame for that separation if not either of ours, for you were hurting and, because I was part of that hurt, I could not be there to comfort you. However, my greatest fear is that I will pass away before we meet again and therefore wanted to help you deal with the pain and extra burden of distress that this loss might cause you.
If this time arrives and you are left with regret that you could not have been with me sooner, within the years that we were apart, and that there were things you wished you could have said, there are several ways by which I would implore you to deal with this burden.
The first thing you should do is remember. Recall the memories of all the times that we did spend together and you will surely smile at some of the happy occasions we shared, both you and I on our own, and together as a family with your brothers and mother. Like you I have regrets, but time cannot be turned back. However, I would also want you to remember you have never really been without me. Every day since we last met you have been in my thoughts and my love has been with you each step of the way. I have cried when you cried, smiled when you smiled and been happy for all the good things that have happened in your life. Thus you should remember that I have not ever been totally separate from your life.
If you wish to talk to me you can. All you need to do is find a quiet place, away from everyone and the bustle of everyday life and just talk to me, tell me what you feel.
I will be there listening and I will be close. The gentle breeze will be the touch of my hand stoking your golden hair as I use to when you were a child. The silent rain or running stream will be me sharing the tears as we share the sadness together. The early morning sun will be me smiling down on you with love. There will be no anger and hurt, just moments of love that only a daughter and father can experience. That time together away from the troubles of the past will bring peace to me and to your heart, and it will make you stronger.
Alternatively you can write to me. Put down on paper the words you want me to hear and I will come in the night whilst you are sleeping and feel the depth of emotional beneath the words on the page. I will bring comfort to you. There will never be a need to say goodbye, because remember a part of me will always be in you, as you will be in me.
Finally, as you are sitting in that quiet place talking to me, I want you to remember three things above all others. I want you know I have and will always love you and that I in turn know that deep down you have always loved me too. Finally, I want you to know that all the past is over, the hurt is behind us, and no blame or guilt should be attached or felt by you. We can carry each other in our hearts for the rest of time in peace, secure in the knowledge of a special shared love.
Enjoy your journey through this life, for I will always be there.
All my love Dad