Alcoholism: Daddy's Little Girl, Not Even!
So many girls have the joy of growing up and being Daddy's little girl. This is not always the reality for some girls. We will pine for it and then one day we wake up, realizing it is not to be true, for us.
I have Seen!
I am not his little girl, nor has my sister ever been. I would see other girls just being adored by their fathers. I have witnessed my daughter having this feeling of always being Daddy's little girl, by both her father and step-father. I rejoice in the fact that my daughter will never have to go without that one very important relationship.
Do not shed a tear for me, I have shed enough for all of us, over all my years here on earth. I have gotten to a point that it does not matter to me. I am numb to the idea as a whole.
I do still shed tears for my sister though. She has never let go of the dream of one day being Daddy's little girl and she shows it, with each relationship she enters into. They are just like our dad.
I have to sit here and watch my sister hurt herself over and over again, until she finds the man that is 'like' Dad and yet, is 'not' like him, at all. When you grow up in a dysfunctional household as a young girl, you either follow into the same abusive relationship you watched your parents have or, you leave the abuse behind.
I chose to leave it behind. My sister decided to do the opposite, sadly.
Just As Important!
Is the father son relationship. This is a bond no boy/man should have had to live without, yet they do. My brother Billy suffers from one too many challenges. Then to top it all off, he has to deal with a dad that is a alcoholic and wants nothing to do with him most of the time.
Unless Dad is out of money and that means he is out of beer. I am sure the drinking buddies he has gathered, want nothing to do with him, unless he is paying for the party. He lost my respect and time back in late 2009. Dad has burned many of bridges over the decades, to the point most will not speak with him.
So who is left, our (just as much of a drunk/mean/selfish person) younger brother Robbie, whom is a no show and is 'not there' to suck off of Dad. Remember, Dad has already burned through his monthly checks and he still has a few weeks to go before the next ones come in. Robbie will be back then.
So who is left, my older brother Billy, the kind one, the good son. Dad will call Billy everyday and yes, Billy loves it. I know it will end the same way, as it always does. Dad's checks will come, he will once again be able to buy beer and he will stop calling Billy and go to the parasitic leeches, he calls buddies.
Billy will get depressed, his mental illness will take over, this so called man will have hurt his son, once again.
Debbie called my brother about two months ago and did the unusual, she asked to speak with me. She informed me, she has had enough with her boyfriend and his abuse. She will be getting her own apartment and is moving out. She then told Billy the same thing.
Yes we were both happy, Debbie sounded happy and that is rare. For the next three weeks or so, Debbie would call us almost daily, telling us all about how she is decorating up her apartment and how much she just loves her new place.
Then the phone calls ceased. I would here Billy on the phone leaving messages for her to call him throughout the day. She never answered them. A week later, Billy was welcomed with this message on Debbie's phone: No longer in service.
I know most people would tell me to call the law or be worried but, I'm not. She is doing as she has always done, she went back to the sorry abusive drunk, called her boyfriend. She is too ashamed to tell us and so she will be a no show, until she needs us again.
How am I taking it, just fine. How is our brother Billy taking it, not good. Do I blame our dad for this, well yes and no. Yes he should have taken the time to make his precious daughter feel confident, secure and loved. No in the fact that, my sister is a grown women and she too drowns her sorrows in alcohol.
Can I say the alcoholism of our dad hurt us and still does, yes I can. It hurts Debbie and Billy because, they still seek his acceptance and love. Does he still hurt me, sure he does, for the very fact that he hurts my brother and sister. Nothing more.
Well now Debbie is a no show and Billy is worried. Dad started to call Billy around two and a half weeks ago and Billy was going into a depression. At first I thought nothing of it. Billy was already having a hard time keeping things in check with his mental illness, since Debbie will not call him and so I thought he was just dealing with that.
Then about a week later I noticed Billy was either running around like a chicken with its head cut off or he would sit in a chair and just stare off in space. I did what I did not want to do, I called Dad (it had been about a year since we talked), I had to see what he was talking to Billy about.
Might As well be Me
First thing Dad said to me after hi was, "that sorry Debbie, she was suppose to be here and take care of me and she does not care about us, I at least have three kids left.". Well, he thinks he does. I did take notice that he was sober so, I explained to him, you can not just throw Debbie away.
I went on to tell him, "Debbie is a grown woman and if she wanted to leave for a few, she can" and he agreed. Okay, now I am talking to a man I said I would not talk to after the last episode of his. To once again, be drawn in for my brothers mental health.
Then Dad said what I dreaded but also, I want to happen, he said "I told Billy and I am telling you, I stopped drinking, as of a week ago". Coincidence, this was the same time he started to call Billy.
I told Dad I hope he will and as long as he is trying I will be there for him. Not for him or for me but, for my brother and sister. I might be their little sister in age but, I have always been the one they both depend on to be there and do the heavy lifting of our Dad.
Dad started calling everyday and I accepted his calls. I told Billy to concentrate on getting his bipolar in check and I will do the talking to Dad. Billy was so relieved that he will not have to deal with Dad and I will. I just don't think Billy can handle the disappointment.
So as to keep Dad from asking for Billy I was truthful to him, I told Dad, Billy is upset over Debbie and her missing. Billy also gets upset when you and Robbie talk bad about her, so for right now, lets just allow Billy to go to school and do therapy, so he will get better. Dad said " I will just talk to you, I want to help Billy.". I was satisfied.
So, once again, I am stuck with having to talk (as if I care) to a man, that has spread so much mental and physical to the ones I grew up with, just so maybe I can lessen their pain in the long run.
So everyday Dad has been calling me at 11:00 am and at 8:30 pm, I have been kind and reassuring. When Dad would start to feel sorry for himself, I would give him the positive side of things. In the hope that he will not do what most alcoholics do and sit in their own self pity.
Everyday he has been getting stronger but I know, this is when times get hard, after the alcohol is totally leaving your body. I have seen this man try to sober up more than once and it is not a pretty sight but, he seems to be staying strong.
This morning Dad called me at 11:00 am sharp, he was in a good mood, he was sober and making sense. He cried once and I consoled him but then, he said something that just made me go, hmmmm.
I asked him how he was feeling and if he was wanting a drink and he said to me "Well Denise, I said I would quit and I am going to do it!". I thought great and then he uttered those words, "If I do have any, it will only be one, I must go, my check is here.".
I know my friends will feel sorry for me but don't, shed a tear for my brother and sister, they still want his love. I will never be Daddy's little girl, by choice. I want him to call and be sober, I want him to be a good dad for my brother and sister but, what are the odds.
It's 7:29. No, 7:30.
Alcoholism: Daddy's Little Girl, Never!
For a better look into my brother and I's life, please check out these articles...
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