Adultery 104 - Husband as Victim
The Fourth part in a series exploring Adultery, this time looking at the betrayed husband.
- The Last To Know..
- The Last to Know...Really
- Example One
- Example Two
- Example Three
- Example Four
- There are No Clues
- Typical ruse
- Women Know
In the first part, Adultery 101 I used the remark; 'Men do it because they have an opportunity, Women need a reason', which may be hackneyed, but is usually true.
The wife doesn't have to do/not do anything for the husband to stray. It is NOT about her at all.
In Part Two I focus on the Wife and her protection.
Part III does a brief overview of those relationships in which Adultery is virtually desired; such as the younger woman who marries the Older Man and both know he can not perform, or where she has married for money and has very little say in what he does/doesn't do.
This article deals with the betrayed husband.
The Last To Know..
Men are always the last to know that their wives are unfaithful.
Although we tend to claim that the wife is 'the last', she's usually had suspicions which she's quashed.
We may say that men are not as suspicious as the number of cheating wives is so far less than the number of cheating husbands; but these figures are suspect.
Most people tend to believe that it is Male = 85% unfaithful, female = 15%.
The figures though not 50/50 are closer to Male =60%/Female=40%.
This is because women do not get caught.
Not unless they want to or are somehow set up.
Women don't have to 'prove' anything, unlike men who feel impelled to defend their 'manhood'.
The case of the The Liverpools is almost a template.
The Last to Know...Really
Men do not think their wives are unfaithful. Unless the husband is a paranoid schizophrenic with a tinfoil cap he would have absolutely no reason whatsoever
at all to suspect his wife of anything.
This is because women make a great deal of effort to prevent revelation and are far better at keeping secrets. Unless this is a 'fix you' affair where she wants to get caught as a tit for tat in relation to his adultery, or wants to get him where 'it hurts' before leaving, she can make the World's Greatest Spy look like an amateur.
Her affair has Nothing To Do with her marriage. It is not permitted to infringe; just as many people don't take the Office home with them, she doesn't take her affair.
In almost all cases there is a reason why the wife is unfaithful.
This may be;
1) The husband is too busy for her
2) The husband neglects/makes her feel inferior and unworthy/takes her for granted
3) The husband is having his own affair
4) She has fallen in love with someone she can not marry at the time
5) Her life is empty
She has not (in most cases) actually gone out there to have an affair, she just didn't stop it from happening. She knew that if she continued to ... that it would happen, and made the decision to let it happen.
It was not a decision she took lightly, that was made spur of the moment, nor did she toss caution to the wind.
Being careful happens before the adultery, not after.
In the aforementioned case of the Liverpools he was busy with the coeds, she wound up taking solace in the arms of the gardener whom she came to love.
As Liverpool needed lots of time to conduct his affairs she gave it to him. Each Summer and Christmas vacation she went to visit her mother in New York City.
Each Summer and Christmas vacation he sent the helper and gardener on vacation
so they would not be able to spy on him.
It was quite easy for the Wife to fly up to New York with the kids, park them with her sister, stay with her mother, who knew everything, and a few days later, the Gardener would arrive at JFK.
He'd fly back a few days before she did as Liverpool was careful with his dates, so that if Mrs. L was flying out on the 13th of December to return on the 6th of January the staff would be sent on vacation on the 14th to return to work on the 3rd.
Mr. Brown stopped actually seeing his wife three years after the marriage. He focused on his business. Mrs. Brown worked at a particular office. She was to be at her desk at 9 am and leave at 5 pm, taking lunch from 12 - 1.
She told her boss that every so often she'd prefer to work through lunch and leave
at 4. Although not 'official' company policy he agreed to her request.
Every Monday, Wednesday and Thursday, Mrs. B left the office at 4, met her lover, and usually arrived home at Six, often calling her husband on her way to meet her lover to ascertain if he were working late. The ostensible reason was whether she should prepare dinner for him.
As he often worked late, she didn't need to leave her lover until seven, and would get home, do a quick change of clothing, and be sitting by the television in some old thing when he stepped in at about eight.
On her cell phone her lover was listed as 'Shirley'. The few times he needed to call her at home they spoke in code, and she'd refer to him as 'that pest from accounting who can't do anything right.'
When Mr. Morris drove in one could hear the garage door opening. The lover would slip out the back, through the yard, out the back gate, into his car and drive away before Morris got into the corridor.
Mrs. Morris would either be coming from the kitchen which was at the back of the house or be sitting outside on the back veranda. There was absolutely nothing to suggest she had not been home alone.
Yvette learned that Clive was having an affair. Fortunately, she didn't make him aware she knew, she just went out and found a lover.
She knew that Clive came home from work, (unless he called that he was working late) at 6:00. He'd eat, change and have to go out...some story. He came home at about 11:30 on week days, often not until 2 am on Friday and Saturday with a story.
She set her trysts to begin with a taxi picking her up around the corner at 6:30, dropping her off at 11:00 pm on week days, (save Friday when she got in at 1 am).
On Saturdays she'd go to visit her sister, as she had always done at about noon and didn't come home until 1 am.
Her affairs were fun, not serious and she had a number of lovers. She'd change them frequently, recycle them, and had one exciting social life as if she were a Prom Queen.
She was so happy, looked so good, her husband decided to stop his affairs. She didn't. He was home alone most nights while she went to her various meetings, (although she'd get home no later than 9 pm).
She got one of her friends to make a play for her husband, which was successful, so that now she knew exactly when he'd be coming home and when he wouldn't.
There are No Clues
When a woman is fulfilled she is happier, less easily upset, and can be ever so attentive.
She is there for her husband and he has absolutely no reason to believe that she has someone else. The shopping is done, the laundry is done, the meals are made, the house is clean, and no one reports that they saw her anywhere suspicious.
She may take lunch with her lover in a glass sided restaurant which 'proves' that nothing could be going on. She may attend company meetings with five other women. She may visit her relatives; and every single attempt to 'catch' her only leaves him with the certainty that she isn't doing anything 'wrong'.
She drives her car to visit her best friend.
Her car is parked there.
She may have gotten into her lover's car and driven out ten minutes after arrival.
She attends a Women's Club meeting where there are only women. She signs in, she goes to the bathroom, meets her lover, is back in 45 minutes, gets her name in the minutes, the meeting is over and goes home.
Her calendar is often full of meetings; three a week, and she is at all three; at some point.
A few meetings are actual, and she is there from beginning to end. A few are, of course, beards. They only become beards after she's piqued his suspicions so that he shows up and makes a fool of himself.
One woman can easily tell if another is having an affair. There's a 'vibe' the cheater gives off. Because it is beneath male radar it is dismissed.
For example, take a Facebook Page. There's Dina's. Not a photo of her husband or child. And she is using her maiden name.
Lorna is now deep into football (soccer) she is on the Appeal Board of the local Disciplinary Committee. As she never was interested in it all the years we knew her,
we know that there's a man somewhere in it; another member of the Board, an official, but she is interested in Football now because she's interested in a man who is involved in football.
Men are so devastated by their wives adultery that they virtually become basket cases. Not only do they feel stupid, used, but their manhood is torn from them. They may react with violence, almost always run to the lawyer, and for the next few years are shadows of themselves.
The effect often destroys their capacity to love or trust again. They often take up with a certified Bimbo they enjoy without the least atom of possession, love, or interest.
There is no such thing.
A man may 'forgive' his wife to prove he's the better man; hence he can tell himself that she chose him over the lover. But deep down, (unless it is one of those rare cases where she thought he was dead, or he had left her, or some excuse that can only be read as her not committing adultery as she believed the relationship was over) he will often do something to her...cheat, beat her up, make her constantly feel guilty, etc. as a tit for tat.
The relationship might limp along for the 'sake' of the children, and silence and filling life with outside activities will replace the marriage.
If she was unfaithful because he was, and she was just cheating to 'fix' him, then his ego would not be as bruised. But where it is a real relationship, there's no way around the fact that she found someone she liked better.